Never forget the Wee Baby Sheamus
This is a semi-annual tradition for me in the NFL offseason, in that I did it exactly once, in 2012. Basically, I know nothing about college football, because I don’t watch it, but I can weave a strong enough web of nonsense that it sometimes sounds like I do, which puts me right up there with a lot of dudes who get paid six figures for their version of the same thing. I guess my career downfall is that I don’t own a suit, and my voice kinda sounds like the Goldbergs kid on testosterone-replacement therapy. Or maybe Kevin from The Office on speed. I dunno, use your imagination, and remember that it’s why I never started a podcast. Anyway, in 2012 Armchair Linebacker style, (And for the record that blog has been reborn anew, and it’s just about the Lions now, but it’s real, and it’s spectacular) I hit the Google Machine, typed in “2018 mock draft” and sifted through other, more “respectable” websites’ NFL draft speculation until I had ten guys that the Bears were alleged to be absolutely guaranteed to pick, followed by HARD-HITTING ANALYSIS, FOOTBAWWW YEAAAHHHHHH
1. Tremaine Edmunds – LB, Virginia Tech (Walter Football, Sporting News, NBC Sports, many, many others, my god, so many others)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: Uhhhh, because as far as I can tell, literally 99% of the pretending-to-know-about-football community thinks it’s going to happen? Seriously, this guy right here almost ruined the integrity of this extremely well-planned and scientifically-approached post, which I definitely didn’t just toss together in an hour. For real, to get past Pick 4, I ended up on maybe the ninth page of Google results, because Edmunds was nearly universal. But yeah, it’s the Bears, so it would be wrong for the inside linebacker position to not have a potential superstar there, and between injuries and suspensions, they can’t really count on a full 16 games from Danny Trevathan. Also, Jerrell Freeman probably won’t be on the team much longer, and they’re not as high on Nick Kwiatkowski as all the fans are. Furthermore, I am required by law to insert a sentence with the names Vic Fangio, Navorro Bowman, and Patrick Willis referenced here.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: There are greater needs elsewhere, (and seriously, Kwiatkowski isn’t that bad) and he’s good enough that someone else could snatch him up first. Otherwise, never forget that the Bears are very, very stupid.
2. Quenton Nelson – G, Notre Dame (CBS Sports, Colin Cowherd, NDT Scouting, others)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: First of all, everything you read only ever talks of him as an offensive guard, when usually a first round grade on a guard is amended with something like “Maybe they can eventually move him to tackle, where he’ll actually matter,” but he only ever seems to be spoken of as a guard. And you never see a pure guard ranked as high on draft boards as this guy tends to be, (usually the first lineman picked) so he must be perceived as just absolutely, insanely good at it. Also, having a super-powered interior of the offensive line has been the Bears’ whole thing for the last few years, but now Josh Sitton is gone, (and they voluntarily cut him, which could mean they’ve had this guy in mind for a while now) and Kyle Long has been slowly crumbling into dust over the past couple years, meaning guard is more of a need than a strength now.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: The top offensive lineman in the draft usually doesn’t fall all the way to #8, and you know, call me crazy, but they might pick Tremaine Edmunds instead.
3. Denzel Ward – CB, Ohio State (SEC Country, Charlie Casserly at NFL.com, Draft Site, others)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: It’s a passing league, and you need lots of dudes who can keep the other team from passing. I am the first person to figure this out. Also, it’s a real possibility that both Edmunds and Nelson are gone by this point. Also, I’m just gonna say now that no matter who drafts him, Bear or non-Bear, I’m only ever referring to him as “Denzel,” because it is the best name.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: They just spent a whole lot of money keeping Kyle Fuller in town, and significantly less money keeping Prince Amukamara and Sherrick McManus. It’s always nice to have a potentially really good cornerback in a passing league, but it’s just not a need anymore, especially when compared to other positions. Also, if the Bears go in this direction, Minkah Fitzpatrick may still be there.
4. Saquon Barkley – RB, Penn State (NJ.com)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: It’s not gonna happen.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: He’s going to be long gone by the time the Bears are on the clock, they already have a Pro Bowl running back in Jordan Howard, and this was just some hot take bullshit from some pissant website that I guess is about New Jersey. I told you that a near consensus on the Bears taking Edmunds or Nelson was almost going to ruin this thing, and I wasn’t kidding. I say “almost”,” because I am a captivating wordsimth who rite real real good,.
5. Mike McGlinchey – T, Notre Dame (Chad Reuter at NFL.com)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: This is a weird pick at first glance, but actually makes sense, taking into consideration that the scenario is dependent on the Bears trading down. Because I guess if The Guy You Need isn’t there at #8, you might as well get a Lesser Guy You Also Need somewhere back in the twenties, with a few extra picks thrown in. And a situation where your top backup tackle is Bobby Massie (who’s actually kinda decent) is a lot better than the current reality of it just being a cardboard cutout of a turnstile with a Mean Face drawn on it in Sharpie, aka Bradley Sowell.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: Again, greater needs elsewhere. They gave Charles Leno a big contract, so they must see something there, and Bobby Massie isn’t great, but there are still some of us who didn’t descend into madness and suicide after the early 2010s, and J’Marcus Webb still exists in our living memory, so we appreciate what a good thing we have in him.
6. Minkah Fitzpatrick – S/CB, Alabama (Tankathon)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: He’s really good, and insanely versatile, and if Prince Amukamara craps out or Kyle Fuller or Adrian Amos prove their 2017 seasons to be flukes, he can step right in there at corner or safety. Also, they already have Eddie Jackson back there at free safety, and he is The Truth, so the Bears may keep that in mind and try to reassemble the Alabama Safety Legion of Doom tag team in the secondary.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: The usual story, where the Bears have too many positions that suck to worry about strengthening ones that are already okay.
7. Vita Vea – DT, Washington (The Ringer)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: He’s an enormous monster who moves way faster than enormous monsters tend to be able to move, and people are throwing around terms like “planet theory” and “generational talent” as a result, even if relatively few Punter Formula Eggheads tend to put him down as a top ten pick. And if you have a shot at an Aaron Donald or Ndomakong Suh type, you take them, and ha ha, oh god, the Rams are somehow going to win three Super Bowls in one season, and it’s pointless to even speculate on what 2018 will be like.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: Honestly, if Nelson and Edmunds are both gone and no one wants to trade up to the eighth pick, this seems insanely likely. But again, everybody’s picking quarterbacks in the top ten this year, so there’s a god shot at one or the other still being there.
8. Courtland Sutton – WR, SMU (Lake County Sentinel)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: Uhhh, shit, I already told you that the near-consensus on Edmunds and Nelson turned this into a deep dive of pissant blogs and sites that haven’t updated their mock draft since February. Ruined, it’s all fucking ruined. Stupid internet. Maybe if Allen Robinson spontaneously explodes somewhere between now and the draft. Literally bursts, as if by fell magick or some other dark craft; just a horrible shower of viscera covering everyone in the surrounding area, people spending years in mental institutions to try and cope with the horror they’ve beheld, and the Chicagoland area being consumed by a literal witch hunt. People with torches and pitchforks going door to door, seeking out and hanging suspected witches and brain-scanners. Terrible, just horrible. Also, in that scenario, they’d probably end up trading down.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: Calvin Ridley may still be available.
9. Christian Kirk – WR, Texas A&M (Atlanta Journal Constitution)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: It’s not going to happen, Jesus Christ, y’all. Even in the above theoretical scenario of Allen Robinson being physically destroyed by the power of Satan, I don’t think this dude is even supposed to go in the first round. The Bears are absolutely either going to draft Tremaine Edmunds or Quenton Nelson, and it’s ruined this whole goddamn thing, making me reach back to the oldest and sketchiest mock drafts to flesh this thing out. The internet is stupid. Let’s burn all our electronics and go build bomb-making sheds, preferably near a river.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: I JUST TOLD YOU, GOD, WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME.
10. Connor Williams – OT, Texas (Mockout)
WHY IT’S GONNA HAPPEN: I guess this would maybe be a thing in a world where they traded down and that Mcglinchey dude was already gone. It’s not completely unthinkable, as it’s at least a guy expected to go in the first-round this time, even if there’s less of a chance at him going at #8 than any of the potential “what if someone gets killed by dark sorcery” situations. You run into some weird and dumb websites on the tenth page of a Google search, even if they probably do have more of a readership that this ever will. Freakin’ websites, man.
WHY IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN: A funny thing I just realized is that the Bears run a 3-4 defense, and their pass rush is of shit, pretty much. The theoretical starting outside linebackers (or “edge rushers,” ya nerds) are Leonard Floyd, who is good, but has bones and ligaments made of balsa wood and a young child’s wishes, and Aaron Lynch, who has had 2.5 sacks in the last two years and may not even make the 53-man roster, if some people are to be believed. Yet none of these weirdos seem to have the Bears taking an outside linebacker or sufficiently-fast defensive end who could possibly be converted to one. So if the Bears end up doing some off-the-wall shit with the first round of the draft,, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’ll be something like that. Hopefully Bradley Chubb falls to the eighth pick, but it’s more likely to be some weirdo we’ve never heard of in the Shea McClellin vein that doesn’t make the starting lineup. This is the Bears we’re talking about, after all.