INTRODUCTION: We all knew when this thing started so many days ago that it would eventually break down into an endless series of long, boring position-by-position breakdowns. So I’m just going to go ahead and begin the latest in my life’s long and unending series of online projects that I’ll never finish, which is the ULTIMATE POSITION-BY-POSITION BREAKDOWN. A position-by-position breakdown so vast, it’s actually four position-by-position breakdowns rolled into one. A position-by-position breakdown too large for a single blog post; a position-by-position breakdown to both please and horrify the gods themselves. My god, it will be beautiful. Of course, I’ll never finish it.
Anyway, here’s the deal: A panel of experts comprised entirely of me will create the ultimate Chicago Bears all-time team, just so long as “all-time” only goes back to the year 1990. Why 1990? Because like so many of you, I was seduced into this bullshit by the 1985 Bears, but as a toddler, I didn’t know what was truly going on until at least 1989, and 1990 just sounds better than 1989. I am nothing but scientific in my approach. Of course, this means that a lot of 1985 type guys will get left off, but really, if you’re here, you’ve probably read enough about Walter Payton by now, you know?
I see you, though.
As this monstrosity goes forth into the electronic world, each position will be broken down into four parts:
THE GOOD: This should be self-explanatory, you idiots.
THE BAD: This, too. Idiots.
THE HORROR: These will be players whose situations transcend mere goodness or badness, ranging from players who uncomfortably straddled a line between both to dudes with legal troubles and brain troubles and times when shit just got weird. Hopefully, this will make sense to you people as time goes on, I’m not holding you turds by the hand through all of this.
THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITE: As a service to myself, each position will have one designated Sentimental Favorite. This will be a dude who didn’t fit into any of the above categories (usually someone who just missed being The Good) that I couldn’t bear leaving off the list while doing a 27-year breakdown. Also, this will eliminate the need to have first and second teams or whatever, sending this spiraling even more out of control than it already is.
As for the approach, each position will be blog-posted one at a time for both my convenience and yours, and the order will be random. You heard me, you son of a bitch, random. I will assign a number between 1 and 26 to each position according to standard Tecmo order (offense, then kicker, then defense, then punter, with a kick returner and special teamer added at the end) and use an online random number generator to determine what I’ll type about next. Science. This will continue until it’s all done, and I can finally die in peace. Until then, this post will be edited over time with links to the positional posts, so you can have one convenient place to link to when you share this with your friends and family:
1. QUARTERBACK
2. RUNNING BACK
3. FULLBACK
4. WIDE RECEIVER X: Brandon Marshall/David Terrell/Sam Hurd/Curtis Conway
5. WIDE RECEIVER Y
6. TIGHT END: Martellus Bennett/Kellen Davis/fuck Mike Martz/Dez Clark
7. LEFT TACKLE: Keith Van Horne/Williams & Carimi/Marc Colombo/Andy Heck
8. LEFT GUARD
9. CENTER
10. RIGHT GUARD
11. RIGHT TACKLE
12. KICKER: Robbie Gould/Connor Barth/Carlos Huerta/Paul Edinger
13. LEFT DEFENSIVE END: Richard Dent/Michael Haynes/Gaines Adams/Israel Idonije
14. LEFT DEFENSIVE TACKLE
15. RIGHT DEFENSIVE TACKLE
16. RIGHT DEFENSIVE END
17. LEFT OUTSIDE LINEBACKER
18. INSIDE LINEBACKER (and SPOILERS: this will be a tie, because damn)
19. RIGHT OUTSIDE LINEBACKER
20. LEFT CORNERBACK
21. RIGHT CORNERBACK
22. FREE SAFETY: Mark Carrier/Al Afalava/Adam Archuleta/Chris Harris
23. STRONG SAFETY: Mike Brown/Chris Conte/Danieal Manning/Shaun Gayle
24. PUNTER
25. KICK RETURNER
26. SPECIAL TEAMS
May God have mercy on us all.