THE GOOD: ROBBIE GOULD (2005-2015) – I’m suddenly and horrifyingly realizing how hard it is to type things about a kicker being good at kicking, because a kicker only does like two things, and with a few glaring exceptions, they do it in the same way. Crap. But yeah, after the miserable failure of Doug Brien, the Bears got desperate and literally signed this guy off a damn construction site. From there, he went on to become one of the most accurate kickers in NFL history. And it was weird, because for the longest time, he had a reputation of having a really weak leg, and apparently, this pissed him off real bad, because he eventually got The Eye of the Tiger and turned into a dude who never missed from fifty yards or more. He’s currently on the 49ers, where he just had his best season, including a game where he kicked 5 field goals to single-handedly beat the Bears, and FUCK YOU, JOHN FOX.
THE BAD: CONNOR BARTH (2016-2017) – This was the guy they replaced Gould with, and while I’m pretty sure he was a good kicker at some point in his career, he was terrible in Chicago, and the fact that he got an attempt at a second season is one if the most baffling personnel decisions I can recall. Let’s put it this way: Doug Brien was terrible, and they still waited for him to get hurt before bringing in Robbie Gould. Barth eventually hit a point where even the Bears just threw their hands up, yelled “to hell with this guy,” and cut him in week 10. When a bad team in a lost season sees your continued employment as an emergency to be dealt with, it’s a good sign that it may be time to get a regular-people job.
THE UGLY: CARLOS HUERTA (1995) – Kevin Butler was a Bears all-time great. “Butthead” was a guy who had been to the Pro Bowl, had set the NFL rookie scoring record, once held the record for consecutive field goals, and was just solid as hell for a decade. He was also not at all afraid to square up and lay a dude out on kickoffs, and was beloved by all. Then, the Bears hired Dave Wannstedt, and he developed a wild-eyed, crazy obsession with erasing Mike Ditka and all his works, even at the expense of winning football games. Like how old-timey thespians thought MacBeth was cursed, and wanted it only referred to as “The Scottish Play,” I’m sure stupid Wannstedt had some codename for Ditka, like “Sweater-Vested Dotard” or “Dad.” So being the anti-Ditkite that he was, he brought in Huerta to “compete” with Butler for the job in preseason, where Butler came out as the clear winner. But Kevin Butler had played for Ditka and Huerta had spent a year with the Miami Hurricanes while Wanny was there, so none of what happened on the field mattered, and ol’ Carlos got the job. And he did so well that they replaced him with Jeff Jaeger after three games, which is twenty-three fewer than it took to pull the plug on Connor Barth. That’s historically bad, like “the guy we hired for our convenience store is smoking meth and jacking off at the register” bad. But he played for Miami, though!
THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITE: PAUL EDINGER (2000-2004) – First of all, I’d like to point out that making this list without giving Kevin Butler a dedicated entry is the most difficult and heartbreaking decision I’ve had to make since the time when I killed my sensei in a duel. (R.I.P., Master Tatsu, even though you broke the Sacred Oath, I still ain’t mad atcha.) But there was no way I could write extended paragraphs about kickers (Can you imagine such a thing? And man, I legit have no idea how I’m going to do this for punters.) without talking about the god dang SIDEWINDER. The NFL is a cold and desolate place, where individualism is frowned upon. The players are meant to be faceless, replaceable cogs in a money making machine, and that’s why they had to fine Earl Bennett for wearing orange shoes. But Paul Edinger was unique. The Mark Fidrych of NFL kickers, he had a style and flair all his own, mostly in that he’d start a kick with his back to the ball and just whip around in a sidewinder-ass corkscrew motion, just nailing the shit out of a football with the power of snakes. It was beautiful and perfect, so it only lasted for 5 years, probably because of something Roger Goodell did. However, he did get the honor of being the Bears’ kicker in Sega’s NFL 2K5, which was perhaps the Final Good Football Game.
HONORABLE MENTION: Kevin Butler (1985-1994)
DISHONORABLE MENTION: Doug Brien (2005)