(left/right means nothing here, and is just for organization purposes, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS BEFORE, JERRY)
THE GOOD: Richard Dent (1983-1993, 1995) – Pretty much everything good I could say about this guy oughtta go without saying, but I really need to get a paragraph out of this, so here goes. This dude is an all-time great. He was a Super Bowl MVP, he had a million quarterback sacks, he was surprisingly good at dropping back into pass coverage for a big ol’ defensive lineman, and after a decade of me bitching online about it, he finally got into the Hall of Fame. Then, there was that time against the Bengals, where he was just completely, utterly blocked, but somehow managed to reach out with one hand and brutally throw Boomer Esiason’s dick into the dirt. And then, Boomer jumped up and squared up to him like he was going to try some shit, and Dent laughed in his face, and it was great. Also, he was briefly part of the aforementioned semi-magical 1995 season, when they brought him back after taking a year off to win another Super Bowl in San Francisco. Thing was, he came back for a couple games and seemed to do okay, but they still cut him in the middle of the season, probably because of Dave Wannstedt and the way he would start hissing and screaming “IT BURNS US” anytime someone would mention Mike Ditka. So my conspiracy theory is that Richard knew this would happen and came back to warn us all, because he is A Good Man. Stay woke.
THE BAD: Michael Haynes (2003-2005) – So it came to pass that in 2004, Lovie Smith was hired as the Bears’ head coach, and began trying to put together some kind of defense, since that’s all he knew how to do. So there we were, one defensive end set with Alex Brown, and after the departure of Phillip Daniels, (and the bone-headed decision to cut Bryan Robinson in a blatant display of “there’s a new sheriff in town” bullshit) it was former first-round pick Haynes’s opportunity. Finally, all the hard work and dedication paid off, and after a rookie season mostly spent on the bench, it was Haynes’s time to shine. But then, Lovie finally got to see him play, and promptly freaked smooth the hell out. This dude was bad, and not “bad” meaning “good,” but “bad” meaning “bad.” So bad that his status as the next man threw up the coaching staff into panic mode. And I mean just utter terror, ripping out their hair, all tears and snot bubbles and “game over, man” and whatnot. So with the Haynes Disaster looming, they traded Marty Booker – a Pro Bowl wide receiver and the team’s only threat whatsoever in the passing game – to Miami for Adewale Ogunleye. In the end, they spent a year with David Terrell, Bobby Wade, and Justin Gage trying to stand on each other’s shoulders and merge into one actual NFL receiver, and justified it by saying, “well, at least we didn’t have to let Michael Haynes play.”
THE HORROR: Gaines Adams (2009) – I really, truly wish I could sit here and bitch about what a bad trade this was. I want to shake my fist about how a second-round pick was too a high a price to trade for a former first-round bust, and probably say some really mean things, but hopefully at least in a theoretically funny manner, as is my way. But I can’t, because the dude died from an enlarged heart almost exactly three months after the trade went down. Fuck. Sorry for the Horror entry on this one descending into Actual Horror, but sometimes, that’s how it is.
THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITE: Israel Idonije, O.M. (2003-2012) – Someday, they have to make one of those shitty “uplifting” biopics about this dude, except with less exaggerations and outright falsehoods, since they’d be utterly unnecessary. Not invited to the draft combine, only only one team showed up to his pre-draft workout, because it was in Canada during a SARS outbreak, went undrafted, then still went on to play in the NFL for over a decade. And for most of that time, he was a special teams guy, and imagine the absolute, pants-ruining nightmare of being a kick returner and finding out that the other team’s gunner is 6’6″, 275 pounds, and fast enough to get you. In the later years of his career, he finally managed to become a full-time defensive contributor, and he was pretty good as a complimentary piece to Julius Peppers, but I tend to dwell on the special teams work, because it’s way scarier. In the meantime, he became charitable as hell, and never won the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award, but was a finalist every year that Charles Tillman wasn’t a finalist, as far as I can tell. And the “O.M.” after his name up there? That’s the Order of Manitoba, which is the highest honor that province gives out to people. He’s basically like some kind of goddamn Canadian Knight, which I guess is probably more about being chill and courteous than what English Knights do, which is probably just cracking back on the churls or whatever. But he’s probably gotten to hang out with Neil Young and Fred Penner at some point. Also, this dude is so handsome, not that I noticed or anything.