THE GOOD: Brandon Marshall (2012-2014) – Y’all have to understand, I grew up in a time when a Chicago Bears wide receiver might as well have not been a thing. The team reception leader was always a running back with less than fifty catches, and Ron Morris would start all year, get 30 catches for 400 yards, and you’d look at it and go, “there is nothing at all wrong with what just happened.” And even after a hundred years and various failed attempts to modernize the Bears, it was still “where receivers go to die,” as once eloquently stated by Muhsin Muhammad. (Moose became one of the most universally hated ex-Bears in history for that, but honestly, I don’t hear a lie.) So even with living memory of Marcus Robinson and Marty Booker, what Brandon Marshall did in 2012 and 2013 was amazing. He was unstoppable, like pre-Raiders Randy Moss or pre-name change Chad Johnson. So much so, in fact, that after three seasons (including 2014, which was the Marc Trestman Implodes the Team year, when no one was any good) he was already in the Bears’ all-time top 10 for receptions and touchdowns, and was about 100 yards shy of hitting the top 10 in yards. For all the idiot Bears fans’ bitching about him being a “locker room cancer,” (NFL Fan Code for “black dude who gives interviews about stuff other than Playing Hard, Praising God, and ‘Rise and Grind’ Nonsense”) Harlon Hill and Johnny Morris are probably the only argument against him being the beast Bears receiver of all time. (Hill famously being a guy who eventually partied his way out of the league, which I’m pretty sure would get Locker Room Cancer status applied to him, had he not been a blond guy with a crew cut. Gonna touch on this so much more the next time receivers come up) But yeah, Marshall was easily the best Bear WR of my lifetime, and I’m legit worried that we shall never see his like again.
THE BAD: David Terrell (2001-2004) – This will probably not be the last time a dude shows up in the “bad” section with a picture of him holding up a #1 draft pick jersey, for the record. I guess in his defense, I’ll point out that he came in during one of the worst times for Bears QB play, (which is realy saying something) when they trotted out poor hopeless bastards like Craig Krenzel and the post-Slash version of Kordell Stewart, but he did them no favors. He came in as a top ten pick, and when Marcus Robinson’s career got derailed by injury, he seized the opportunity and, uhhh… was still the number 3 guy, behind Marty Booker and Dez White, who I’m pretty sure is best remembered as a completely unremembered backup for the Falcons. He just never did anything, but would talk himself up like he was Terrell Goddamn Owens, which made it worse. This ended up having a darkly hilarious post script, when he eventually got picked up by the Patriots, and upon being asked what he could bring to the team, he replied, “I’mma bring what I always bring: Touchdowns.” He ended up being cut the the Patriots before the season started, and finished his career with nine touchdowns in five seasons.
THE HORROR: Sam Hurd (2011) – THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T SIGN EX-COWBOYS. As far as anyone knew, Hurd was a humble team player, a nice guy who never complained and mainly contributed on special teams. He was the kind of quiet-demeanored hard worker who would’ve been a team favorite that the Bears fanbase would’ve demanded he be given a starting job, if only he had been a blond guy with a crew cut. Thing was, he was also the goddamn kingpin of crime. This was not the typical NFL dude busted with a nickel bag and a 9mm in his car; no, this dude was moving weight. According to Hurd’s own taped conversations with undercover pigs, he claimed to be able to move 50 kilos of cocaine a week, but just never could get his hands on enough to do so. Dude was like Nino Brown, if Nino was completely non-violent and too dumb to know that the FBI can still trace burner phones imported from Mexico. So, actually, he was absolutely nothing like Nino Brown, but he did sell a shitload of coke, and New Jack City was great, and you should all watch it. Also, oh boy, ha ha, he was apparently selling to teammates in Dallas and Chicago, and it’s probably been a really tense last five years for all those guys. But yeah, again: THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T SIGN EX-COWBOYS.
THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITE: Curtis Conway (1993-1999) – Curtis Conway was never a Pro Bowler or a major superstar, and hell, even in that ’95 season when the Bears discovered the forward pass, he was the #2 guy behind Jeff Graham. But he holds a special status as the first modern NFL receiver the Bears ever had,. (Unless you count Willie Gault, who wasted his prime years streaking downfield while Jim McMahon just dumped it off to Payton again.) He was a super-fast dude who could stretch a defense, in stark contrast to the guys I had spent my life watching to that point, who were mostly Ron Morris/Tom Waddle types who were probably only there because it would be socially unacceptable to run the single-wing offense in 1992. Finally, we had a real-ass player, one who probably could have started for one of the other 27 teams, if he had wanted to. (Back in my day, we had 28 teams, and that was how we liked it. Anyway, the important part was that I had an onion in my belt, because that was the style at the time, and…) As I go further and further into this thing, I’ve found I have a soft spot for players who made the Bears seem like an actual NFL team while they were there. Huh. Also, he had really cool hair as a rookie, and despite eventually ditching that high-and-tight fade/natural curl thing he had going on for a regular shape-up kinda deal, he still managed to marry Muhammad Ali’s daughter, officially cementing his status as American Royalty.