To all two (maybe?) of my loyal readers, I’d like to apologize in advance, but we all knew this day would come. The preseason position-by-position breakdown is the pinnacle of sports nerd tedium, yet it is somehow required by an unspoken, sacred code. (R.I.P. Master Tatsu) We do it because we are compelled. But I guess it serves some sort of purpose, to let us step back and figure out what we’re working with (or against) and have some expectation for the upcoming season. This, of course, will immediately be proven wrong as players accumulate horrifying injuries and you learn that every college football nerd thinks their team’s guys are “ready to contribute immediately, ” even though maybe twenty guys out of the whole draft actually are. This is all fucking nonsense, and that’s why you have to try and make it entertaining.
So in the tradition of the Football Metaphysicians who came before me, I’m going to scientifically break things further than just the present day and the real world and explore the following other aspects of each position:
Previous Five Starters: Uhh, this should be self explanatory, you idiots. You absolute morons. But this will also tell us much about how we got here, the recent history of failure, and possibly the recent history of success that has turned into failure, because that’s what happens.
Most Recent Five Pro Bowlers: Thanks to that one year where Marc Trestman convinced us that Chicago could have a real NFL offense, this will probably be less depressing than I’m assuming it will be, but quarterback will be *so* depressing. Oh god.
Historical Greatest Name: Whether a Key & Peele East/West All Star name or a MST3K Punch Rockgroin style name, this will probably bring me nothing but joy. I wish Ebenezer Ekuban and Cuncho Brown had been Bears.
Fantasy Bootleg Jersey: Paying $175 for a fancy Nike jersey is idiot shit for people with too much money to escape the guillotine, but my inner 15 year old still misses being able to wear a different shitty Logo Athletic jersey bought with my mom’s J.C. Penney card for every day of a school week. So these are the most fantastical of jerseys I would theoretically buy from shady online Chinamen if stupid Goodell hadn’t shut all those sites down. (Full disclosure: I started one of these in like 2013 and got maybe two positions in, and I’ll probably just copy and paste some of these from there.)
Tecmo Legend: The best and brightest from the last truly great video game series.
Expert Analysis: The boring bullshit where I pretend I know things.
I’ll probably start on this in a few days, and I’ll probably finish it never, like I’ll be halfway done, and it’ll be week three of the regular season. God help us all.