“This gun’s for hire… Even if we’re just doing position-by-position breakdowns”
PREVIOUS FIVE STARTERS: Inside: Christian Jones (2015, 2017), Jerrell Freeman (2016), Shea McClellin (2014-15), D.J. Williams (2013), Jonathan Bostic (2013-14)
Man, things fell to shit when Brian Urlacher retired (and lets be honest, his last couple years weren’t exactly spectacular), and and Jon Bostic didn’t really live up to his status as The Great Chosen One to Continue Chicago Bears Tradition or whatever. This list is a lot of backups, one first-round bust defensive end, and the dessicated corpse of D.J. Williams. Jerrell Freeman was actually secretly kind of the best inside linebacker in the league in 2016, but missed all of 2017 and subsequently retired due to brain problems, because American football is a cruelly inhuman bloodsport, and we are a nation of monsters for even allowing it to exist.
Outside: The Great Willie Young (2015-16, previously a defensive end), Pernell McPhee (2015), Lance Briggs (2003-14), James Anderson (2013), Nick Roach (2011-12)
It’s kind of jarring to see all these bullshit one and two-year starters contrasted against Lance Briggs holding it down for twelve years. Also jarring to realize that Pernell McPhee was only officially a starter for one year, because the injury issues that caused the Ravens to let him go were apparently Truly A Thing. Also, thirdly jarring to realize that the Bears had The Great Willie Young on the team for four years and actually managed to lose games to teams with red jerseys. Nick Roach was kind of an emergency replacement when Hunter Hillenmeyer retired who was good enough to warrant a second year, and I don’t even remember James Anderson. I’m assuming they made him up, like that genie movie people think Sinbad was in.
LAST FIVE PRO BOWLERS: Lance Briggs (2005-2011), Brian Urlacher (2000-03, 2005-06, 2010-11), Mike Singletary (1983-92), Wilber Marshall (1986-87), Otis Wilson (1985)
Good lord, the Bears squandered such an embarrassment of riches during the Lovie Smith years. If they hadn’t been so dedicated to Rex Grossman and the idea that cornerbacks should be lined up thirty-six yards deep, that team should have won Super Bowl XLI, at least. Fuck. Gonna go die now.
TECMO LEGEND: Mike Singletary, Tecmo Bowl and Tecmo Super Bowl (NES version)
Unstoppable. Un-freaking-stoppable. The middle linebacker is the Ultimate Destroyer in the NES-era Tecmo world, and Singletary was the greatest of them all. Granted, there were better outside linebackers, like Lawrence Taylor, but that position starts out so far from the ball and toward the edge of the screen that you’re not going to do a whole helluva lot with L.T. or Derrick Thomas or whoever unless it’s one of those dumb bootleg plays. If you want to have a 200-sack season, you gotta go with Singletary. He had the hitting power to plow through most centers, but he also had the speed to just zip right around the poor bastards. TSB Singletary was simply unfair.
HISTORICAL GREATEST NAME: Ross Bupbracher (1971-72, 76)
God, what a name. It sounds like a noise you’d make during a sudden, unexpected expulsion of what was once thought to be food. Like “Oh man, this sauce tastes weird. What’s in it?” “Oh, it’s got fermented eel and some mushrooms I found growing under the doghouse.” “Uuurrrrrgghhhh, ROSSBUPBRACHER!” Only way it could be worse would maybe be if his name had been Earl.
FANTASY BOOTLEG JERSEY: Hey, remember that time when Lance Briggs got shitface drunk and pulverized an exotic sports car? I SURE DO!
~~~~ 2018 EXPERT ANALYSIS ~~~~~
Reckoning With What We’ve Lost: Pernell McPhee (OLB, signed with R-Words), The Great Willie Young (OLB, free agent), Jerrell Freeman (ILB, retired), Christian Jones (LB, signed with Lions), Lamarr Houston (OLB/DE, free agent),
Embracing What We’ve Gained: Roquan Smith (ILB, 1st round draft pick), Joel Iyiegbuniwe (ILB, 4th round pick), Kylie Fitts (OLB, 6th round pick), Aaron Lynch (OLB, ex-49er)
What Happened in 2017: Year four of the Chicago Bears 3-4 Era went as badly as it’s been going. At outside linebacker, (or “edge defender,” ya Punter Formula dorks) injuries took out Willie Young’s entire season and a big chunk of Leonard Floyd’s, and his brittle, wobbly knees severely limited Pernell McPhee’s playing time, as well. This led to another year of Sam Acho just doing the best he could to keep things from falling apart, and Lamarr Houston getting re-signed as an emergency measure, where he was actually shockingly good at times. Inside, it was a year that should have been terible, but was actually okay. Jerrell Freeman got career-endingly concussed, and Danny Trevathan alternated between being utterly monstrous and getting suspended for doing something, well, utterly monstrous. However, the two top backups who ended up being starters, Christian Jones and Nick Kwiatkowski, were both actually good enough to NFL starters, which is not something that happens often in Chicago, even among planned starters, honestly.
What Will Happen in 2018: Outside linebacker remains a complete fucking mess, and the resulting lack of anything resembling a pass rush will probably be a big part of what keeps the Bears a ten-loss team this year. Leonard Floyd is clearly pretty good at playing football, but he’s built more like a damn point guard than an NFL linebacker, and he’s going to keep missing 5-7 games every year if they insist on keeping him out there all day. Ideally, you’d want to just toss him out there on third and long, but the cupboard is bare, so he’s going to get battered around like always. Aaron Lynch was treated like a big-time signing, but he’s had two-and-a-half sacks over the last two years, total. People point to how he had a couple of six-sack seasons in his first two years, but that was a long time ago in NFL years, and 6 sacks still isn’t great. (And, uhhh, his production coincidentally cratered right after a PED suspension, soooo…) In all likelihood, it’s still going to be Sam Acho starting across from Floyd, (or across from Lynch once Floyd goes down) and that poor guy scares no one. I’m pretty sure there’s already an online “oh man, this kid is a BEAST” movement swirling around Kylie Fitts, but the dude was a sixth-round pick and he might not make the team, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP. Fuck. Allegedly, a sudden wealth of dudes inside is going to make the team try and movie Nick Kwiatkowski outside, and I imagine this will result more in that dude exploring his options elsewhere once his contract runs out than it will in quarterback pressure.
Inside, things are okay! The situation with Jerrell Freeman sucks, but Danny Trevathan is still there, and there are times when he’s a borderline-dominant player, at least when he’s not being dragged off the field and into the back of a black SUV for trying to put the top of his helmet through a wide receiver’s face. Next to him, Roquan Smith is the Patrick Willis that everyone was dying for Vic Fangio to have; one of those players that has suit-wearing NFL pundits pinching their own nipples and screaming “AAAAHHH, THIS KID’S GONNA BE ALL-PRO BY 2019 AHHHHH.” The words “sure thing” seem to get used a lot around that guy, and we’ve seen a lot of Sure Things fail miserably around here, (Gabe Carimi and Kevin White were both sure things) but it’s nice for the new rookie to not have a shitload of “ifs” and “buts” in his description, like Leonard Floyd, or a lot of “uhh, who is this guy”s, like Shea McClellin. Behind him, they also drafted Joel Iyiegbuniwe – and let’s get ahead of this right now, that’s “Joe-El Ee-Way-Boon-Ee-Ay.” As an American, I’m pretty much a brainless savage who will never be able to casually spell the dude’s name without looking it up, but at least I can hope to say it right. Anyway, he’s got a lot of “steal of the draft and future starter” hype surrounding him by people who should know better, and all signs point to him as the next man up whenever they decide to not bring back Trevathan after 2019. Behind those three, there’s still John Timu, who’s mostly a special teams guy, but he’s one of those “boy, he’s got a high motor and never quits” players who makes plays in spite of his 40 time or whatever, and theoretically, Nick Kwiatkowski is still there if the outside linebacker conversion doesn’t work out. To put it in terms of serious, sober analysis, the Chicago Bears inside linebacker situation is dope as hell right now.
