Just in case your friends were suspicious of you being the Worst Person, you can put aside all their doubts with one of these!
If you need explanations, either click this here handy link or scroll down a little, depending on how you got here. If you don’t, that means you’ve been here at least twice, and I didn’t think anyone did that. My mind has been blown. Anyway, things are weird and alphabetical this week, because I forgot to turn Shuffle on, but it all worked out in the end.
5. Dismember – “Override the Overture” vs. Yes – “Owner of a Lonely Heart”
Ha ha, oh dang, how the hell did THIS happen? A long, long time ago, I bought Dismember’s Massive Killing Capacity CD and decided it was the best, so once I had gained the powers of illegal downloading, I went on a brief “oh man, Swedish death metal” kick, and ended up with a few more of their albums and something by Unleashed that I can’t remember, because the files were corrupted or in some weird Apple format, so I just deleted it. I really hope it wasn’t any good, because I never bothered to try for it again. Anyway, it turns out that original CD I had bought was the one that all the death metal dudes hated, because it had slow parts and memorable songs and other stuff death metal isn’t supposed to have, and most of their stuff before and after was just not nearly as good to my ears. This song was alright, though, kinda sounding like old Sepultura, if they were way faster, had an even more unintelligible singer, and tuned their guitars way down, to the point where you kind of wonder how they even worked, with the strings just dangling loose like that. Anyway, this was the only song I could remember a thing about off the Like an Ever Flowing Stream album, and it’s kind of okay, I guess.
“Owner of a Lonely Heart” is one of those songs you hear when you’re like three years old, and it just sort of burrows its way into your mind forever. So you spend the rest of your life flashing back to that weird horn-blast keyboard thing and the part of the video where the dude jumps off the roof, and it freaks you smooth the hell out, because you’re three, and you don’t know about special effects yet, so it’s all too real. So the guy jumped off the roof and turned into an eagle or whatever it was, and there’s this crazy eagle-man out there in the world, and as the years go by, he flies and soars and tastes the blood of the trout in his beak, and he loses the parts of his mind that made him human and becomes more eagle than man, and he’s still out there, and he’s watching you, and he’s waiting. Crap, gonna have the night terrors now. Fuck eagles. But yeah, somehow, it made it on my phone, and anything that can take my mind to a place where a crazed man-eagle will come out of nowhere and start slashing at my eyes, like an avian version of Inspector Clouseau’s man-servant dude is probably something I need in my life.
WINNER: Yes.
6. System of a Down – “P.L.U.C.K.” vs. Judas Priest – “Painkiller”
You know what, to hell with all of you, because when System of a Down first showed up, they were just about my favorite band for like a full six months. They were doing things the likes of which I had never heard, while managing to not make me think “oh man, this is some nonsense, no wonder I haven’t heard its like before.” This one sounds all pissed-off in parts, because he’s singing about his people getting slaughtered by the Turks, but it also sounds downright cheerful in other parts, because System of a Down was just super-weird in those days, which was what made them good. I can’t comment much more on it, because I really don’t know what happened in the Armenian Genocide, aside from the way no one seems to want to remember that it happened. At some point, the dudes in charge just sort of shrugged and went “why did the Armenian people get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks.” Something is terribly wrong with me.
Meanwhile, there’s “Painkiller” by Judas Priest, and WHOA, HOLY SHIT THIS SONG IS THE MOST METAL THING THAT EVER EXISTED, OHHHHH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH. Rob Halford is SCREEEEAMIIIIIING, and that drummer dude doesn’t know that you can actually stop hitting the double-bass sometimes, and Glen Tipton and K.K. Downing keep doing these guitar solos, where it sounds like one guys getting finished, and the other guy frowns and is like “oh yeah, dickhead? Listen to THIS!” And the bass player would probably be alright if I could hear him. I think Judas Priest, having failed in making us commit suicide with the hidden messages on “Better By You, Better Than Me,” just decided to take the direct approach and murder us directly with this song. And it worked, We are all dead now.
WINNER: Judas Priest in a blowout, with System of a Down getting a second chance.
7. Anthrax – “Panic” vs. Black Sabbath – “Paranoid”
You know, I probably could have thought up a bunch of stuff to say about “Panic.” And none of it would have mattered, because Paranoid, you know? If you’ve never heard “Paranoid” before, you’re a bad person, if you don’t like it, you’re a monster, and if you’ve heard and liked it, but don’t have it burned into your brain in its entirety, you are suspect. Highly suspect.
WINNER: Sabbath.
8. Demon Lung – “Pareidolia” vs. They Might Be Giants – “Particle Man”
It’s really a good thing Demon Lung doesn’t suck, because I kinda internet-know the drummer, and I’m pretty sure it’s basically his band, so even if they were godawful, I’d at least try to be nice; all “oh, it’s a solid effort!” or whatever, but it’s all good, because so are they. I’d name-drop the dude, but I don’t think I ever knew his last name, am way too lazy to look it up, and there have to be dozens of Jeremies in the world, so it would be a pointless thing to do. The story of him going to the Creationism museum while wearing a Deicide shirt shall always remain one of the best things I’ve ever heard, though. Anyway, I don’t have as much of a frame for reference, re: doom metal as I should, (and I really should, because it tends to be aaaaaawesooooome, for real, what is wrong with my listening habits) but just imagine Pentagram (when they’re more in metal mode than rock mode) with Grace Slick singing, and you’re at least in the same town, if not the same neighborhood. Someday when I’m not broke, I’m gonna totally buy the full-fledged Cd they put out, because I already got the E.P. for free, and I don’t want to internet-steal it and be that guy. Also, a T-shirt or two. Someday. Stupid air conditioners, electric bills, and car tires. Stupid world.
“Particle Man” is a song you totally know, because it was everywhere for a while, and I think the video was even in heavy rotation on the old Comedy Channel, which is crazy because that was a comedy channel, as opposed to a music one. A TV channel about music is a pretty cool idea; someone should do that. And someone needs to make a joke about there not being a cable network dedicated to music, because I’m pretty sure nobody’s thought to do that yet. But yeah, “Particle Man” is a fun song and all, but listening to it again just reminded me of how I got burned out on it sometime around 1993, and the burns haven’t quite healed yet. Also, Triangle Man sounds like a dick, and I hope Universe Man fucks him up someday. Feel bad for Person Man, though; sounds like he’s got it hard enough without people hitting him with frying pans. I bet it was Triangle Man, too. More like Asshole Man, if you ask me.
WINNER: Demon Lung, Demon Lung, Demon Lung hates Particle Man. They have a fight; Demon Lung wins, Demon Luuuuung.
SECOND CHANCE #1. Sacred Reich – “Victim of Demise” vs. System of a Down – “P.L.U.C.K.”
Feels weird to do this, but I have to give this one to System of a Down. “Victim of Demise” is perfectly fine, but it’s like the fifth or sixth best song off an album by a band that has like a zillion songs from a bunch of CDs I like versus maybe the fourth best off the one really good album by a band with maybe 10 songs I like. Between letting Sacred Reich lose and not giving the Second Chance nod to Anthrax, I am really doing my favorite bands wrong lately. Oh well. Even with upsets like this, by the time all the deletion is done, Sacred Reich will still have probably thirty songs to System of a Down’s six, so I don’t feel bad.
Yes, Priest, Sabbath, Demon Lung, and S.O.A.D. stay, and the rest:
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