* - Asterisk means I already had a good mp3 copy of this album, but threw up a few words anyway in the name of having an internet-based chronicle of all my legally-purchased, store-bought music

- Beavis Having Rad Times means that this CD's purchase was directly or indirectly influenced by the Beavis & Butthead television show

#

754 Boyz - In Da Streets (2000, Skinny Boy Productions) - Honestly can't say whether this is good or not, because rap has never been my thing. Not that I have negative feelings toward rap; it's just not my thing, you know? Don't trust anyone who speaks of their musical tastes and immediately throws in "...except rap" or "...except rap and country," because those people are snakes, probably racist snakes, the worst kind. Anyway, this is weird, because the production features ting-tingy hi-hats and cymbals way more than bass, and one of the 37 dudes with verses on this sounds like the old man who kept trying to rape Peter Griffin's son.  But a different dude on here used to work with me at the Kroger in Cleveland, MS, and I barely knew him, but he seemed super-nice, so I bought his CD.

A

The Accüsed - Straight Razor EP (1991 Nastymix)- These guys always ruled in a weird sort of way, where their soinger sounded like the Tasmanian Devil on biker crank, and I was all excited when this popped up for like $1.99 on Metaldisc (RIP) in 1999 or so. Sadly, Grinning Like an Undertaker was out of stock when I tried to order it at the same time, but the nature of the digital music format means nothing is ever actually out-of-print anymore, so progress is actually good sometimes. It's still weird to me that Sir Mixalot signed them to his label. What if Mixalot likes crossover thrash, as well as big butts? Must investigate further.

Alabama Thunderpussy - Rise Again (1998, Man's Ruin - my version is the 2004 Relapse reissue) - These are some severely southern dudes, and the original version of this CD had a decidedly Confederate flavor to the cover art, but this one has it replaced with a washed out/arty picture of a presumably-naked lady. One of the worst parts of the southern experience is when you get older and realize that all the symbols of your local culture are pretty much insanely terrible and have to start covering them up with tasteful, just-out-of-frame nudity.

Alabama Thunderpussy - Constellation (2000, Man's Ruin - Again, my copy is the 2004 reissue) - This is another one in the same "but what if Skynyrd were really into Turbonegro, though?" vein as Rise Again, but honestly probably not as good. Which is not to say it isn't good though, and I have to make that clarification, because people online get really intense with misinterpreting things to be more negative than they are. If I actually had an audience and cared super-strongly about video games newer than 1995, I'd be murdered by now probably. Y'all gotta stop murdering people, you guys.

Alabama Thunderpussy - Open Fire (2007, Relapse) - Man, I really don't know what the general consensus is amongst the Alabama Thunderpussy fandom (fandom, Jesus, talking about them like they're One Direction or something) about this record, but holy crap, this was my jam when it came out. Of course, it's got Kyle Thomas singing, and he's been my dude ever since Bobby Paranoize hooked me up with dubbed tapes of Exhorder's albums, (and the Flood gate one) leading to years of me being an annoying little shit to online Pantera fans. But I dunno if he's considered this band's Blaze Bayley or whatever and I'm an Oklahoma Thunderposer, but this is my favorite thing these dudes did, and someday, I need to hunt down that Pitts vs. Preps CD.

Alice Cooper - Killer (1971, Warner Bros.) - Back when this was made, murder and death and scary crap were relatively unheard of in widely-distributed musical recordings, but this thing is called Killer, and it's got a song called "Dead Babies" that's actually about dead babies, and whose chorus is built around Alice going "DEEEEAAAAD BAAAAYYYBAYYYYYYYYYYYS" in full effect. I really don't think the modern world gives Alice Cooper enough credit for righteously rustling the jimmies of Disco Americans. Those jimmies were hella-rustled, you guys.

Alice Cooper - School's Out (1972, Warner Bros.) - I'm pretty sure that there was a period of at least five to seven years of my life where I would spend my time in late May knowing that school really was almost out for summer, and I would imagine this song magically playing throughout the world when the bell went off. The problem was that I was ten years old or whatever and had never heard the song in full before, so all it would be was just the chorus part that got played on some Time Life 70s Music compilation commercial. Kids are always blathering on about things they don't understand, so you shouldn't listen to them. Maybe if I had studied for my last round of 9-Weeks Tests instead of thinking about The Rock and Roll, I wouldn't be sitting here typing weird bullshit for all you losers. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, I love you all.

Alice Cooper - Trash (1989, Epic) - Oh man. This is the Alice Cooper record of my youth, on account of my older brother having the cassette back in the day. It's weird to compare the albums from when just the band was actually named Alice Cooper to the later ones where the actual dude gave up (like Hootie refused to do) and took on the name himself, because he's in full huge 80s hair-ish metal territory here. Very strong memories of "Poison" playing while me and my brother played a game where he would take this heavy basketball thing that he got at a county fair (which had once been plush but had since been reduced to a hard-ass beanbag-like consistency) and hurl it at my head with all his strength. My role in the game was to mostly just get hurt, which is the role of all little brothers in situations like that, I guess.

Alice Cooper - Hey Stoopid (1991, Epic) - I'll be honest with you: Neither me nor any of the surrounding people ever got this when it came out, and when my wife got it a few years ago, it came in a three-pack with Trash and The Last Temptation, and I don't think I've ever listened to this in full. I, uhhh. Huh. It's got "Feed My Frankenstein" on it, and that sure is a song, right? Frankensteins have gotta eat, that's what I've always said. So, uhhh. Gotta feed them suckers. Hungry little buggers. Okay, the CD is done ripping, and I can stop typing now.

Alice Cooper - The Last Temptation (1994, Epic) - When this came out, commercials for it seemed to play non-stop both during Beavis and Butthead and WWF Monday Night Raw, and years later in high school, my dude Matt had a similar experience of having "Lost in America" burned into his brain by the television, so we'd ride to school in his truck that had no working tape player and crack jokes about how we shouldn't go to school because we didn't have guns, and how we needed to find girls with both guns and cars. Even after we resorted to just sitting a boombox in the passenger's lap, we never actually played this, because I'm pretty sure he eventually got the CD, but the boombox only played tapes, and that's Hard Times, daddy.

Alice in Chains - Facelift (1990, Columbia) - Oh man, everything good in the world came out in 1990, and this was a major hit in the early 90s Dungeons & Dragons experiences, because even with my brother's habit of just putting in a tape and hitting rewind and playing one song over and over and over and over, (and it was his room, his game, his stereo, his tape, and he was the D.M.) you could let this one go for all of side A. And then there was that time when Tommy Dreamer would come out to "Man in the Box" in ECW, and he could just never defeat Raven, like ever, and then he finally did, and you were just so happy, even though you had known it was all fake for years, even if the slow kid in P.E. class said he thought it was real, and it was the same guy who's cousin's uncle's nephew's son-in-law knew for a fact that Yokozuna was going to be on Monday Nitro this week.

Alice in Chains - Sap EP (1992 Columbia, my copy is the 1995 reissue) - Man, I barely remember anything about this, aside from how "Got Me Wrong" is on the Clerks soundtrack, and that was still the best movie ever when I was fourteen, and ah, shit, limiting myself to typing during the rip time is crazy with an EP, because they're done in five seconds, aaaaahhhhh.

Alice in Chains - Dirt (1992, Columbia) - Oh man, this is pretty much eternally one of the best CDs anyone ever put out, and I love it forever, and upon actually getting a CD player, it was one of the first CDs I bought from an actual store, after the original eleven I got for $3 apiece when my cousin Patrick accepted the love of our Lord and Savior (Jesus Christ) and gave up all his devil music. Also, one time, I got bored in the car and made up a Weird Al version of "down in a Hole" about being a huge fatass called "Donut Holes," and someday, I'll remember all the lyrics. Something like "IIII'D LIKE TO DDDIIIIIEEET, BUT MY WINGS HAVE BEEN SLOOOWLY FRIIIIIIIIEEEDDD." Something is wrong with me, and you are all witnesses to it.

Alice in Chains - Jar of Flies EP (1993, Columbia) - This has that one kinda weird and creepy sounding instrumental track on it, and one time we played it and our cat Doug (R.I.P. 1989-2002) was just freaked smooth the hell out by it, like beyond a normal cat freakout. His eyes got all dilated, and he would attack us if we tried to touch him, and his tail was all twitchy, and we thought devils had possessed him, which would have been pretty sweet.

Alice in Chains - Alice in Chains (1995, Columbia) -I mostly remember this as the first Alice in Chains that I really wasn't all that much into, but looking at it now, I think it's matter of them regressing into a "well there's three hit singles and the rest is kinda there" standard album format band. The lesson here is that more groups should do EPs. They're cheaper, and you don't end up with that "five good songs and five garbage" ratio that turns what could have been e legendary EP into a shitty album. Also that three-legged dog on the cover looks so sad and I want to hug him forever.

Alice in Chains - MTV Unplugged (1996, Columbia) -Is it bad that I never really liked this? I mean, I'm sure that in 1998, it was some childish, "grr this ain't metal" stuff, but something about Layne Staley's vocals on this bug me. Like he hash thish kinda mush mouthed shound like his teeth are falling out, and I'm pretty sure he was already leaving Las Vegas at this point, to the extent that it was starting to affect his work. Also, it's kinda bringing back sad memories of the last couple Motörhead albums where Lemmy sounded like Droopy the Dog. Anyway, the little drum intro on "No Excuses is still the best, at least.

Alice in Chains - Music Bank 3CD/1CD-ROM Box Set (1999, Columbia) -I'm tired and lazy, so I'm not going to go through all three disks of this, because it's a whole lot of stuff. But it's a mix of demos, rare/unreleased stuff, compilation tracks, a little bit of "best of" action here and there, plus a CD-ROM that doesn't work on modern computers. What's weird about the CD-ROM is that this came out in 99, but everything on it seems to pertain to the first two albums and EP, meaning it kinda cuts off at 1992. Like they had planned a really super-special $100 version of Dirt for your one friend who could afford a Windows 3.1 computer, but the world wasn't ready for it yet. A fun part is a few demos on the first disk that are the band's original hair metal roots on full display, which is the sort of thing bands like this usually tried to bury a deep as possible, but AiC had *integrity* so here they are. The best part of all of this is that I'm pretty sure that this thing was like $50+ when it came out, and looking on Amazon just now, even the digital, non-physical copy version is still $30, and I got this thing used for like $8.99. Ha ha, suckers always buying things new. Fuck capitalism. Anyway, the same sad dog from the self-titled CD is on the cover of Disk 3 of this, and he looks super-happy this time around.

*Alice in Chains - Black Gives Way to Blue (2009, Virgin) - Hey, Alice in Chains is back! And they're... Not as good. Overall, it's not bad or anything, but sometimes, you can't go home, and the new guy is trying way too hard to sound like Layne Staley, and the songs where he doesn't do that show that his own voice is fine and that he didn't need to do that. Oh well, maybe they did better on that one I never checked out that had a Triceratops on the cover.

*Amon Amarth - Surtur Rising (2011, Metal Blade) - It's weird, but in general, I am just not a death metal dude. Like you could play a Cannibal Corpse record from front to back, and if I didn't fall asleep, I'd be confused as to why they put out an album with but a single 45-minute song, as opposed to lots of little ones. But I dunno, if you just drop the throttle back a little, have the singer actually form distinct, intelligible words, and add a bunch of shit about Vikings and Odin, and I'm there, dude. I'm there. Also, even if this sucked, the cover alone would make this worthwhile.

*Amon Amarth - Deceiver of the Gods (2013, Metal Blade) - I've found in the early stages of this here internet project that I really don't have as much to say or any real fun memories involving stuff that's been put out in the last few years. The work/sleep/work/sleep/die cycle of adulthood does that to you, I guess. Anyway, Viking metal good, late capitalism bad.

*Amon Amarth - Under the Influence EP (2013, Metal Blade) - Ha ha good lord, this came as a few added bonus with Deceiver of the Gods, and it is weeeeeeird. I guess they decided that they'd really like to pay tribute to Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Motörhead, and AC/DC, but decided that every band in the known universe had already covered every imaginable song. So they just wrote new songs that sounded like those bands, and shit gets out of hand on the Sabbath tribute song, where he puts on this crazy, nasally Ozzy voice for the half of the song, and the AC/DC one, where the death metal band you know for songs about brutal Viking war is singing about liking to bone down with 7 foot tall women.

Amorphis - Am Universum (2001, Relapse) - Hey, so, um, this is my wife's CD and I've literally never listened to it, and I have just learned a harsh lesson that I should probably skip over situations like that when typing for internet purposes.

Annihilator - The Best of Annihilator (2004, Roadrunner) - Man, I hate to say this, because thrash/speed metal that's technically too old to have ever been a thing to me is kind of my deal, but I just cannot get into these guys, and this is even a "best of," which is usually a can't-miss kind of situation. I don't know if it's the singer's voice or that it's a little too Malmsteenish in it's guitar-wankery, or that I just don't like it for some other, more abstract reason, but this is a big nope for me, you guys. Maybe I need to revisit it in a few years, but probably not. I'm sure they're nice people though, right?

ANTHRAX GAUNTLET

Arrested Development - 3 Years, 5 Months, and 2 Days in the Life Of... (1992, Chrysalis) - We made it out of the Anthrax Gauntlet, you guys. Anyway, like I said in the 754 Boyz thing, rap/hip hop was never my thing, and as such, much of my enjoyment of it is like a thousand percent tied to nostalgia of small times. Basically, I couldn't give a fuck less about Drake and never figured out why Kanye was ever a big deal, but if "Tennessee" pops up on the radio, I'm turning that shit up like Freedom Rock. Anyway, this and Vulgar Display of Power by Pantera were pretty much the official soundtrack of late junior high rides to school, and it is precious to me forever. It was really funny after a while, because my brother started giving this dude from my class, Leon, rides home sometimes, and he was just astounded and amazed that there actually were white people who listened to rap, (Eminem hadn't happened yet) and I'd see him in the hallway, and he'd grin real big and ask if Jack was still listening to Arrested Development. Also, we'd have to give people rides home to this little all-black (or at least mostly-black, I never checked their census results) town called Renova every now and then, and all the rednecks and regular white people talked about it like it was Compton during the height of the Crips vs. Bloods gang war, like you'd get shot on sight. And it was such bullshit, because all you'd see the whole time driving through there was people hanging out in their front yards, just smiling and waving, even though I'm pretty sure they didn't even know who we were. You drive through white suburbs sometimes and little kids on the streets flip you off and throw shit at your car for no reason. Never trust white people. Except me; I'm your friend in the digital age.