SOUNDTRACKS

Airheads: Original Soundtrack Album (1994, Fox) - This movie must have really appealed to me on a deep and personal level, because even with its status as a film nearly guaranteed to air at least twice daily on Comedy Central in the early 2000s, it was still one of the first DVDs I ever bought. But it's also a nice snapshot of the world that was right on the cusp of rejecting heavy metal in favor of various forms of alternative rock. You've got White Zombie, Primus, John Bush era Anthrax, the not-yet-quite industrial version of Prong, you got Motörhead still on a major label, and for the normal-ass people, you've got stuff like 4 Non Blondes and Candlebox. Hell, you even get a few of the never-was "up and coming" bands that I thought only existed in the imagination of a Columbia House catalog, like Dig and Stick. This is like a terminal-stage issue of Rip Magazine, pressed onto shiny plastic. Overwhelming highlight is probably Anthrax making chicken salad out of a Smiths song, Motörhead(obviously) with an assist from Ice-T and the Ugly Kid Joe dude, and, weirdly enough, the X song that got repurposed as the song that Chazz Darby wrote for and/or before he even met Kayla, literally with Brendan Fraser singing. Sadly, the track that Galactic Cowboys contributed to the movie (as The Sons of Thunder) isn't here, and may be lost to the shifting sands of time forever.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (1989, A&M) - This is something I have to fully acknowledge as a soundtrack album for whom my enjoyment is completely attached to positive memories of the movie. So much of this is utter bullshit, terrible music, like pop groups trying and failing to make songs for hair metal fans, just objectively bad in every way, like some shit from a chewing gum commercial with people windsurfing everywhere, but goddamn it, I love it all so much. Detached from Bill & Ted lore, there is no reason for me to ever have a single positive thought about Big Pig or Vital Signs or Shark Island or whoever in the good fuck some of these people are, but instead, I'm all "HA HA YES, THE BOYS AND THE GIRLS ARE DOING IT, AND WE ALL KNOW THIS, YES." Also, Nuno Bettencourt from Extreme is among the nastiest guitar players to ever walk the Earth, and it's a shame it had to be wasted in freakin' Extreme.

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey: Music From the Motion Picture (1991, Interscope) - This has a lot of the same thing going on as the first Bill & Ted joint, except that it's got that one Megadeth song that plays right as they get to hell that I'd love unironically and detached from film if such a thing had happened. The weird thing about this is that in addition to that song, it consists of music I'd be more likely to tolerate outside a Bill & Ted environment, like King's X and Primus, but I think I like the first one way more. Still, the undying love of Bill, Ted, and their fight against the Evil Robot Usses made me enjoy a Winger song, so that's something.

The Crow Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (1994, Atlantic) - I'm pretty sure that ownership of this CD by anyone who was over ten and under twenty years old at the time of its release is required by law in several states. Violation results in immediate and permanent suspension of one's white privilege. My theory is that the crates of Crow CDs that were supposed to be delivered to Appalachia were somehow lost or intentionally diverted, and that's why it's legal for The Man to crush and enslave those people. Stay woke, little brothers and sisters. Anyway, this is another Cd that's a perfect snapshot of the time and place it was released in, maybe with some extra goth leanings which might explain the absence of gangster rap. It's got the last dying gasps of commercialized metal, the first dying gasps of grunge, the looming specter of nu-metal, and a bunch of goth shit that I normally can't deal with, but in this case bolstered by memories of early adolescence. It's weird that I seem to remember this as everyone's introduction to Rage Against the Machine, when they had already sold millions of records by this point. Perhaps my memory is not utterly perfect? Doubtful. Also, don't tell anyone I said this, but on a soundtrack with RATM, Helmet, Pantera, Rollins Band, etc., the secret best song is probably the one by For Love Not Lisa.

Ghostbusters: Original Soundtrack Album (1984, Arista) - Going back to either '86 or '87, this was the first record I ever personally owned, when my parents surprised me with the vinyl LP one day. A record is a very delicate thing that's probably not in good hands with a first grader, so it was soon scratched beyond shit, just totally unplayable, but I still have it in this house, thirty years later, because it is Precious to me. This movie was the biggest thing in my life as a little tiny baby child, to the point where I spent at least a year insisting that everyone call me Ray, after Ray Stantz, and me and this other little kid in Kindergarten would play Ghostbusters at recess, where the other kid would fuck up the pronunciation of "ghosts" as "ghost-es" for some reason. So the title track by Ray Parker Jr. was pretty much the soundtrack to my life for years, (along with "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and various songs from the Transformers soundtrack) with that one song by the Bus Boys close behind, and this has contributed to my current state of not being afraid of no ghosts to this very day.

Grand Theft Auto Vice City Official Soundtrack Box Set 7CD (2002, Epic) - This Cd boxed set marked my second greatest used Cd find, ranked just behind that copy of Kill 'Em All that I flipped for eighty bucks. So there I am, looking through used CDs as I was wont to do, when I happened upon this thing, and thought, "man, if that's less than thirty bucks, I might seriously think about possibly considering maybe someday entertaining the thought of probably not buying it." So imagine my shock when the whole damn thing carried a price tag of $8.99. Seriously, and that's American dollars, not some crazy foreign currency that has actual value. So I got it, and in the process seemingly pissed off the cashier, who may or may not have priced it that way for his own future purchasing pleasure. Then, I get it home, open it up, and all seven of the damn CDs were still in the original plastic. The goddamn thing was brand new. A quick perusal of Amazon shows that this thing (allegedly) goes for upwards of $200 now in box set form, though only a great fool would do this, as the individual CD would probably set you back thirty bucks bought separately. (and I'd be willing to guess that Ebay prices for the box set are much, much lower) Still though, crazy. Anyway, GTA: Vice City was a perfect game with a perfect soundtrack that would have made these the ultimate CDs to own in 1986, if you were a cocaine-addled lawyer who could actually afford 1986 prices for a CD player. And man, I miss the art style for the Playstation 2 era Grand Theft Auto games.

Judgment Night: Music From the Motion Picture (1993, Immortal) - This is a weird one, where it's an entire soundtrack with a gimmick of "what if we took famous rappers and famous rock bands and smooshed them together?" I've always held this theory that, while most rap-metal/rap-rock/etc. is irredeemable garbage, it actually works well when actual rappers are in charge of the vocal end of things. And on one hand, the theory is supported by a decent one by Onyx and Biohazard, an absolute monster by Faith No More and Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E., and a song by Slayer and Ice-T that ends up being a Body Count song guest-starring Tom Araya, but oh man, oh sweet Christ, there are eight other songs on here, and they are fuckin' garbage. Just the worst, ill-advised nonsense, like I want to build a time machine to go back to tell everyone to refuse to be on this, because I don't know if this hurt anyone's career, but it sure as hell didn't help anyone. I've never seen this movie before, and I don't want to now, because of this Cd, oh God.

Last Action Hero: Music From the Original Motion Picture (1993, Columbia) - Man, I know the world is against me, because the world HATED this movie, and I loved it, because it was the greatest and best. It was a weird thing to behold, because you got the feeling that movie-critical types were pissed that Arnold was making an Arnold Movie, and completely ignored that it was an Arnold Movie making fun of Arnold Movies, and blinded themselves to the fact that this was a massive pinnacle of the cinematic arts, standing high above anything fuckin' Wes Anderson will ever do. I will fist-fight you all over this. Anyway, this is another mid-90s metal-adjacent soundtrack, of which there were many, and it's really good, even if the Anthrax song on it is one that even I have to admit is kinda garbage.

Masters of Horror 2CD (2005, Immortal) - Ugh. I bought this when I was knee-deep in Mastodon Fever, because it's got a live version of "Megalodon" on it, and the rest of this is bullshit. It's mostly a bunch of 2000s metalcore and pop punk, and this is basically a two-disc sewer disaster. I hate this, and I hate myself for buying it.

The Transformers: The Movie Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (1986, Scotti Bros.) - Transformers the Movie is the only True Movie, and this is the only True Soundtrack. Stan Bush will show us the way, and we shall walk in his footsteps on the shining path of Truth. Only by defeating our inner Unicron can we light our innermost Darkest Hour. We can win. If we dare. For real though, in addition to being inextricably linked to some of my fondest childhood memories, it's just non-stop greatness, if you're in the mood for hair metal, Inspirational Movie Soundtrack Rock, or 80s style synth orchestrations. Just so goddamn good, it is insane. Also, it's kinda funny that the band Kick Axe had to have their name temporary changed to Spectre General, because they knew little kids would buy this, and their name gets too close to the word "ass" for a soundtrack to a movie where a dude yells "OH SHIT" at one point.

Tales From the Crypt Present Bordello of Blood (1996, Mercury) - It just now occurred to me that I've never seen this movie OR Demon Knight, and I'm pretty sure I've only seen a handful of episodes of the HBO series. The soundtrack in question is a weird mix of classic rock, hair metal, and a couple other more modern (1996 modern) songs, and it all seems to go together on some levels, but not on others. Like Kerbdog is a weird choice to sit next to Thin Lizzy and Humble Pie. I dunno, some of this works, and some of it doesn't. But the Anthrax song (every movie studio was required by law to have either Anthrax or Megadeth in at least 75% of rock-themed soundtracks they produced, I'm convinced of this) is the beeeeesssst, even though you probably wouldn't like it.

Top Gun: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (1986, Columbia) -This may be the greatest movie soundtrack of all time, owed in no small part to having TWO Kenny Loggins songs, at a point when he was a walking engine of soundtrack perfection. I could analyze this phenomenon further, but instead, I'm just gonna type "Danger Zone" in big letters:

DAAANGER ZOOOONE

X-Games Vol 1: Music From the Edge (1996, Tommy Boy) - I'm a big fan of the X-Games and extreme sports in general, because they're generally only open to rich kids with a lot of time on their hands, and rank up there with experimental aircraft as one of our only ways to thin out the numbers of those kinds of people. Look, I'm not saying it tickles me to death whenever Cody Van Raytheon gets his bones crushed underneath a snowmobile that's falling on him from 75 feet in the air, I'm just saying that's potentially one less golden parachute for a venture capitalist to float down on after putting a thousand people out of work thirty years from now. It's illegal for us to kill them, but not illegal for them to kill us or for them to kill themselves, so we gotta take the third option whenever fortune smiles upon us. Anyway, this Cd is weird, like a "greatest hits of albums you'd never, ever buy individually" compilation, so it serves a purpose.