* - Asterisk means I already had a good mp3 copy of this album, but threw up a few words anyway in the name of having an internet-based chronicle of all my legally-purchased, store-bought music

times times - Beavis Having Rad Times means that this CD's purchase was directly or indirectly influenced by the Beavis & Butthead television show, STOP ALL THE DOWNLOADIN' means the CD was only bought after an illegal trial period


Faith No More - The Real Thing (1989, Slash/Reprise) - It's always weird when I look at this CD and realize it's technically from the 80s, because this was one the ninetiest damn things ever. Like there was a time when they would slap the "alternative" label on something because they legit had no idea of where to categorize it, instead of what it eventually turned into, which was just a catch-all for "rock band that kids like and is less than 50% metal." At the time, Faith No More was completely bonkers, and the world was ill-prepared. Even if this was from 1989, the early 90s were still an amazing time of new things being something to get exited about, instead of being like now, when you see the new shit and just groan and roll your eyes, because you used to be with it, but they changed what it was. Onion, belt, etc.

Faith No More - Angel Dust (1992, Slash/Reprise) - Man, thinking about the early 90s is weird to me regarding music, because like I think I mentioned somewhere, (probably in the A's?) I'm a damn weirdo and just kind of ignored music as a whole until I was about 16 or so, and man, the stuff from 92ish really should've been the soundtrack to my life, but I was too busy with football cards and Super Mario World or whatever. I think I bought this CD is maybe 2006 or so, and I literally don't think I had ever heard a song from it aside from "Midlife Crisis" until then. I wonder how much other stuff is out there that I missed due to lack of paying attention. Gonna get a headache now.

Faith No More - Easy Maxi Single (or Songs to Make Love To EP) (1993, Slash/Reprise) - This is weird, because the cover of this says it's the maxi-single for "Easy," but the print on the CD itself says it's an EP called Songs to Make Love To. And when I put the CD in, Windows Media Player shows absolutely identical cover art, but with the EP title instead of the single title that's on my copy. When I look up the Easy single, it's got a different track listing and a different cover. Get your shit together, Slash and/or Reprise in 1993.

Faith No More - King for a Day, Fool for a Lifetime (1995, Slash/Reprise) - I'm pretty sure the general consensus is that Faith No More was never the same once Jim Martin left to go become a farmer of unrealistically large pumpkins, (seriously) and it's true. This sounds like a completely different band, and most of the off-the-wall nutso shit that made them unique is gone, and they're just kind of of a more down-to-earth alternametal band now and all, but... Seriously, this might be my favorite record by these dudes. It doesn't have the hit singles like The Real Thing or the inexplicably high praise of Angel Dust, (seriously, it's their third best CD at best, don't @ me) but it's just a way more satisfying all-the-way-through listen than anything else of theirs for me, and that is important to me. If I had thought about it in the beginning of this project, I'd have made sure to note the no-skip CDs of myth and legend. (For the record, this isn't one of them though. Those are rare.)

Faith No More - Album of the Year (1997, Slash/Reprise) - Man, I don't know. When pressed for details, I couldn't tell you a whole lot about this. It's just kinda like King for a Day, except less so. The most interesting thing I can think of about this is that I somehow ended up with a promo copy, where the "sale is prohibited, must be surrendered to the record company, jerk" message is stamped on the cover in classy gold foil instead of a big sticker, like the one that ruined the cover of that Body Count CD. I shouldn't have said anything though; now Jim Slash and Edna Reprise are gonna find me and take the stupid CD back.

stop itFearless Iranians from Hell - Foolish Americans/Holy War/Die for Allah (2002, Boner Records - stuff on here originally released in 1990, 1988, and 1987, respectively) - Oh man, I bet these guys scared the living piss out of people when they were still a thing in present tense. A band of mysterious masked men, fronted by a legit Iranian dude as the original singer (so you knew they weren't fucking around) singing songs about how they were going to kill all you stupid Americans and rule the world in the name of the Ayatollah. In the 1980s. In Texas. Jesus, these dudes had to have a death wish. Anyway, none of them got murdered for Jesus and Reagan or whatever, and Wikipedia tells me that one of the dudes became a Rastafarian and another joined the Butthole Surfers, which probably isn't as cool as being a Rastafarian. This is that kind of hardcore/thrash-straddling crossover, and it's really good, made better by how much it probably pissed off the normals. The bummer is that the first self-titled 7" isn't on here, but it's hard to complain about any 29-track Cd being incomplete.

Fight - War of Words (1993, Epic) - On one hand, "Little Crazy" is an all-time god dang classic, to such an extent that I seem to remember Sabu - history's greatest Professional Wrestler - using it as his entrance music for a minute in the early 90s, probably in that period when Paul E. was his manger, and he'd have 911 (There was a guy named 911, you guys. Never forget that.) wheel him out on a gurney, all bound up like Hannibal Lecter. Anyway, I don't remember anything else about this whatsoever, because they rest of it is just kind of okayish. Maybe if things had gone better with Fight, Rob Halford wouldn't have put out that weird techno record that no one talks about anymore.

Filter - Hey Man Nice Shot Single (1995, Reprise) - Oh man, remember singles. They were a nice way to deliver bonus weird tracks without making you buy a second copy of the damn album, and by "buy a second copy" I mean "pirate the last three tracks off a torrent site." Just saying, without that "special tour edition!" bullshit, you could get another four or five bucks from some of us, instead of absolutely nothing. Anyway, the "Nickel Bag" remix is amazing, because it's the most chilled-out, hip-hoppy version of this song possible, like something you'd listen to while grilling burgers with your feet in a baby pool, just absolutely loving life, and it's a song about a dude shooting himself in the mouth on live television.

Fireball Ministry - Their Rock is Not Our Rock (2005, Liquor and Poker) - Haha Jesus Christ, so deep and depraved is my dorkitude that I bought this CD after hearing "The Broken" on one of the Playstation 2 WWE Smackdown games. Everything about me is shameful. Anyway, people seemed to hate this when it came out, especially when compared to their first couple CDs, but goddammit, I had never heard those when I got this, so this still rules to me. This came with a second disk that's a Liquor and Poker Records label sampler, and I legit don't think I've ever actually listened to it. It has Fireball Ministry, Hanoi Rocks, the Hellacopters, and like ten other bands, if that means anything to you. I'm bad at owning CDs and sampling labels, I guess.

Fleshcrawl - As Blood Rains From the Sky... We Walk the Path of Endless Fire (2000, Metal Blade) - Man, here's this death metal and their goddamn mouthful of winding syllables that eventually forms an album title after about five minutes. This is the weirdest record ever, because for the most part, it's just boring, generic death metal, played in a boring, generic way, but "Graves of the Tortured" hits, and seriously, that is my favorite death metal song ever, like it is absurdly good, and as such, completely out of place on this thing. Also, there's a photo of the band inside where they're all wearing sunglasses and looking mean, superimposed over flames, and it is hilariously bad, like some Icy Hot Stuntaz shit, but with Swedish death metal instead of icy hot stunting.

Floodgate - Penalty (1996, Roadrunner) - This was the band Kyle Thomas did after Exhorder fell apart, and like what a lot of people were doing at the time, it was a slower, kinda stonerish, doomy thing, and like everything that dude has ever sang on, this is so good. This was a CD that I had always meant to get anyway, but it eventually became a necessity, because the dubbed cassette copy I had of this was starting to get all worn-out and weird-sounding. That used to b a thing that happened, and that I have experienced, because I am old, so old, older than the mountains themselves. Be right back, gonna go die now.

Flotsam and Jetsam - Cuatro (1992, MCA) - I got the shit end of the stick when I tried to get into Flotsam and Jetsam via the Hastings used rack, because Doomsday for the Deceiver (the one Jason Newsted wrote) and No Place for Disgrace (the other one people liked) were never there, and I ended up dropping like ten dollars total on three of their 90s CDs instead. And this is fine, like I can put it on and go mop a floor or scoop some cat boxes or something, but I wouldn't be able to recall anything about it a minute later. It's not really outright *bad* in any way, I guess, but eh.

Flotsam and Jetsam - Drift (1995, MCA) - Hey, uh, this is pretty nondescript too, but with a tragic twist that the last track is apparently on an ever-so-slightly scratched part of the disk, and the process of trying to rip a better copy somehow deleted the old 192K one. So farewell, final track that I will never be able to recall a single detail about. Until we meet again, when I probably won't recognize you, because you were written and recorded by Flotsam and Jetsam.

Flotsam and Jetsam - High (1997, Metal Blade) - And heeeere's another kind of boring but generally inoffensive Flotsam and Jetsam Cd that I can't think of anything to say about. They had fun with the song titles on the back cover and did them in the font styles of bands like Iron Maiden, Slayer, and Twisted Sister, but it mostly just serves to remind you that you could be listening to those bands instead.

*Foo Fighters - Saint Cecilia EP (2016, RCA) - Amazon or someone like that just threw this up as a free download last year, and I can never say no to things that are free. And I'm not really a Foo Fighters fan or anything, but my opinion of them is generally more positive than negative, possibly owing to how Dave Grohl seems like a nice fellow whenever he's shown up on literally every music documentary ever made. That being said, I've never bothered to ever listen to this. But like I said, it was free, so that's okay. Maybe someday.

*Freddie King - The Best of Freddie King: The Shelter Years (2000, Capitol) - I'd like to give you some in-depth review of this, like really get into Freddie King and his importance to The Blues and whatnot, but I'm all about honesty, and honestly, I just got this so I could jam the hell out to the Eastbound and Down theme whenever I wanted to. If someone made a smartphone app that sensed whenever you had just done something ridiculous and near-suicidally impulsive in your life and played "Goin' Down" automatically, I'd be willing to pay upwards of a dollar and ninety-nine cents for that app. Until that happens, Silicon Valley has failed, and should be abolished and possibly carpet-bombed.


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