* - Asterisk means I already had a good mp3 copy of this album, but threw up a few words anyway in the name of having an internet-based chronicle of all my legally-purchased, store-bought music
- Beavis Having Rad Times means that this CD's purchase was directly or indirectly influenced by the Beavis & Butthead television show
Galactic Cowboys - Space in Your Face (1993, Geffen) - The Galactic Cowboys were probably one of the biggest examples of a band who started to blow up at exactly the wrong time. "If I Were a Killer" was blowing up huge all over late-night MTV and whatnot was one of the biggest summer jams of 1993 for metal dorks, but it was right on the cusp of those dark years where Metallica, Ozzy, and Pantera were the only ones left making a living anymore. These dudes had a crazy unique thing going, where it was kind of a prog-metal thing with four-part harmonies on the vocals, but they ended up just getting dropped by a major label and doing a few independent ones that no one noticed. Just like every other metal band that started blowing up in the early 90s. Stupid Nirvana. Anyway, I wonder if the song these dudes did as The Sons of Thunder in the movie Airheads is ever going to get released.
Gammacide - Victims of Science (1989, Wild Rags - I have the 2005 Gamma Records reissue) - Man, these guys had to be one of the heaviest bands in existence in 1989. This shit is relentless, just absolute speed and insanity from start to finish, to the point where it's almost overwhelming. I guess reference points would probably be Slayer, Exhorder, or the first couple Voivod albums. And whereas most of the stuff of such a nature from the same time period has the same shitty, muddy production, (good ol Morrisound Studios) this actually sounds okay by modern standards. Also, this band is from Texas, has a guy named Rick Perry in the band, and that's gotta be awkward.
George Carlin - Killer Carlin (1995, Uproar - originally released on ERA Records as Burns and Carlin at the Playboy Club Tonight, 1963) - Man, Jack Burns kind of got a raw deal here, because as far as I know, all the versions of this that exist today say it's just a George Carlin joint, as opposed to the work of a team. This is almost absolutely nothing like an actual Carlin record, being more family-friendly "suit-and-tie in a classy nightclub" style material, and it's kind of corny, as was the style of the time, but if you can deal with grandpa humor, this is still good.
George Carlin - The Little David Years: 1971-1977 Box Set (1999, Atlantic - Includes the albums FM & AM, Class Clown, Occupation: Foole, Toledo Window Box, An Evening With Wally Londo featuring Bill Slaszo, and On the Road, plus Free Compilmentary Bonus Disc Not for Sale Anywhere) - I got this not too long after it came out, taking unfair advantage of a Columbia House deal and using this as something like three or four free Cds, as opposed to paying whatever crazy amount it cost new. And it's got all of Geroge's 70s stuff that came out on Little David records, and really, it is the ultimate, absolute best stuff he ever did, even if the 80s/90s/2000s material was more relevant to me as a dude who existed by that point. Class Clown and Toledo Window Box are particularly special to me, because those are the two records my parents had, and as a kid who was wayyyy too young to be into jokes about drugs and cuss words, I loved it, and would listen to them constantly. And I mean little kid, like I was probably telling versions of these jokes to all the other kids at recess when I was 7 or 8 probably. Which is kind of amazing to think about now, just some little kid talking about how Happy was a pothead, Grumpy had done too much speed, and Doc was the connection for other six dwarfs. The seventh disk, exclusive to this box set, is pretty crazy, because it has stuff recorded by George in those little Coney Island recording booths back when he was a kid in the 40s/50s, and I can remember doing the same sort of things with the little Texas Instruments recorder we had when I was around the same age. Now, George Carlin has passed on into timeless legend, and I'm here typing into the void. I'm pretty sure I peaked in the third grade, you guys.
Gilbert Gottfried - Dirty Jokes (2005, Image) - This is kind of an amazing concept, because it's basically just Gilbert Gottfried doing 45 of the greatest hits of those dirty joke books that somehow, one kid you knew would always have, yet once you became an adult, you could never find. Well, you can probably find them online, but that doesn't count, because you can find anything there. I guess the positive aspect of being able to find anything online is the whole "finding everything" part of it, but on the downside, nothing is special any more. If a kid came to your sixth grade class with a little book of dick and butt jokes, you'd wonder what kinda lame shit he's on that he's not just looking up the famous dickbutt joke Twitter account, and he'd wonder what the fuck you were doing in the sixth grade, when you're like thirty damn years old, what are you, stupid or something?
Grabass Charlestons / Billy Reese Peters - Split CD (2002, No Idea) - Both of these bands were at what I'm pretty sure was the last of the little Cleveland, MS punk shows that I went to before I moved to Oklahoma and they moved from an alley to a farm house out past the nail factory. Reading about that place on the little web page they used to have was hilarious, because I remembered actually being in that very house with my mom when two of her friends had gotten rip-roaring drunk and tried to murder each other and needed help cleaning up the place. Just all sweeping up piles of bloody glass from the window the broke, while they both just kinda looked all sheepishly guilty, like if Beaver and Wally were blood-soaked adults. Anyway, I don't remember shit about either of these bands, except that one guy drummed for both and sang for one, and they compensated for the shortness of the CD by having it repeat all the tracks when it was done.
Greenday - Dookie (1994 Reprise) - All you youngsters (surely, there are young people that are into my youthful and exuberant online brand) might not know this, but there actually was a time when the existence of the band Greenday was not yet depressing. They were one of a million dime-a-dozen early 90s pop-punk bands, except slightly better than some, and better-produced than most, so thry were the ones who got the big major label deal. And man, we just didn't know yet. We didn't know how far this shit would go. We didn't know that people would decide that they were the Voice of the Revolution™ after they interpreted American Idiot as being the only anti-Bush album anyone had done and run with that shit till they had a Broadway play. We sure as hell didn't know that a band that had never really felt relevant since maybe '97 or so would suddenly replace the Ramones as the Default Punk Band for people who don't like punk rock. Maybe if we had known, we wouldn't have bought this damn thing.
Green Jellö - Cereal Killer Soundtrack (1993, Zoo) - You know, I've always liked this, and that's always bothered me, because this seems like something I should straight-up love. This is like GWAR Junior, a crazy soundtrack to a weird VHS movie thing, with songs about Cow Gods and Shit Men and whatnot. But in the end, my relationship with this has mostly just been listening to "Three Little Pigs" over and over, and ignoring the rest. This is the album I would have made if I knew how to play instruments at the age of 10, and someone talked me out of a Transformers Rock Opera. But yeah, this is just okay, and that bums me out.
Gruntruck - Push
(1992, Roadrunner) - Back in my day, Beavis & Butthead was
our source for new music, and that's how I ended up expending an
early Columbia House free CD on this. And as is usually the case,
the song that was on that show ("Crazy Love") ended up being the
only thing I ever really got into. If you're curious, this is
competently executed Seattle grunge that kinda vaguely reminds me of
the stuff Soundgarden was doing when they could still be covered by
the metal press without anyone getting mad, just not as good.
Guano Apes - Proud Like a God (1998, RCA) - This is probably
the first thing that's popped up so far that I can honestly put into
the "guilty pleasure" category. Like this is the absolute definition
of everything I would make fun of people for listening to in 1998
IRC chatrooms. Not only is this full-on nu-metal, but it's a light
and bouncy, even more insanely-poppy version of it, as opposed to
how most of it was all "grrrrr, I am dark and gothic, look at me cut
myself" or whatever. This shit was straight-up happy-sounding, and
lame as hell by any definition, but goddammit, the video for "Open
Your Eyes" came on once, and it got stuck in my head, and I bought
the CD and pretty much jammed this shit (quietly, on headphones,
without telling anyone) for like two months straight. I mean, shit,
this has a song that they got paid to write about snowboarding, like
some exaggerated parody of False Metal, yet here we are. Fuck all
y'all, I like this.
Guano Apes - Don't Give Me Names (2000, Supersonic) - So
deep was the disease of nu-metal pop inside me, that when I found
out this wasn't getting a U.S. release, I hit up CDNow Dot Com (RIP,
sorry Amazon bought you) and imported that shit. You heard me,
motherfucker. Anyway, this is a little more serious-sounding than
the first one, (for the most part) and probably better from start to
finish. I always wondered what the Guano Apes lady would've sounded
like singing for an actual metal band, because she had this kinda
husky thing going on that had some real balls to it, despite her
literal lack of any, like a tiny German female version of John Bush
or something. I'm pretty sure that after they broke up, she just
started doing straight pop music, so we'll never know.
GWAR - Scumdogs of the Universe (1990, Metal Blade) - It's
weird now to look back at this, being the second GWAR album, but the
first fully-realized one, after finally settling on a lineup of
characters and making a full transition from punk to metal. They
still didn't rebeal the members' real names in the liner notes, they
were still never seen without masks, they still put latex crap on
the guitars to make it look like they were made of meat, and the
bottom half of Dave Brockie's face is still visible. Precious
memories. Anyway, I remember putting "The Salaminizer" on a mixed CD
once, and somehow that CD ended up getting put in while taking a
trip back to Mississippi with my brother and his second wife, and I
was all "uhhhh, you should probably skip this one," because I didn't
know how delicate her sensibilities were and wasn't going to take
the risk. She was all "no, that's okay, we can play it," and the
first time the line "you humans always screamin' as you suckle on my
semen" happened, she hit skip and just got really quiet for a long
time. Welp, shoulda listened.
GWAR - America Must be Destroyed (1992, Metal Blade) - This
is pretty much the first peak of GWAR, the early heights they hit
when they were getting invited on Joan Rivers and Jerry Springer,
and Phallus in Wonderland got nominated for a Grammy and whatnot.
Even though I was still in my larval stage as a dude who was mostly
watching Headbanger's Ball because my brother was watching it on the
TV in my room, I was still super excited whenever the "Gor-Gor" or
"The Road Behind" videos would pop up, because rubber monsters
fighting dinosaurs was pretty much my jam, and it should be yours as
GWAR - This
Toilet Earth (1994, Metal Blade) - This was both another Cd
bought directly due to Beavis and Butthead influence (via getting
"Jack the World" and "Saddam A Go-Go" stuck in my head) and one of
the illustrious original 12 Columbia House CDs. As such, this one is
special to me, the first GWAR CD I personally owned, the first one
whose songs I would put on mixed tapes for people in an attempt at
GWAR-based corruption, and the one whose logo-style would often
appear in the margins of my high school notebooks. I just wish
someone would hunt down the master tapes of this someday and remix
and remaster the living hell out of it someday. Because it sounds
like utter shit, and you miss a lot of the comedy, because the
vocals are buried in the back of the mix. Also, I have the lame U.S.
version that's missing the song "B.D.F." because Warner Bros.
refused to distribute the Cd with that song on it, and they ended up
dropping it anyway once Metal Blade switched to Priority Records as
a direct result.
GWAR - Ragnarok (1995, Metal Blade) - Man, 1995 and the
couple years just after it (1996 and 1997, if you were wondering)
were an awkward time for CD art design. Windows 95 hit and everyone
had computers all of a sudden and were trying to use them for
everything, but no one was actually good at it yet, so anything
that's not on a major label budget just looks like utter shit. It's
all awkward cut-and-paste and gradients everywhere, and the metal
stuff is the worst, because it doesn't have the fun excesses of rap
Cd Pen and Pixel stuff. This is the first CD where they added Dave
Musel as the keyboard/weird sampled noises guy, and I think they
were way too excited to have him at this point, because the sheer
volume of excess noise kinda fucks up a few tracks here.
GWAR - Carnival of Chaos (1997, Metal Blade) - Man, late
nineties America was really into carnivals. Carnivals of Chaos, Dark
Carnivals, Carnivals of Souls. Anyway, I love this Cd and "Penguin
Attack" is one of the all-time GWAR classics, but this shows a lot
of signs of Trouble Brewing for the future of the band. Dave Brockie
is starting to really ramp up the goofball weird shit like "Suck on
My Thumb" and "Sex Cow," and Hunter Jackson is starting to make his
big move to be more of the face of the band, where he has his own
song, and Techno Destructo is front-and-center on the cover. They
literally ended up on a VH1 "where Are They Now?" episode after this
came out, and hadn't bottomed out yet.
GWAR - We Kill Everything (1999, Metal Blade) - Ah, the
breaking point. This record is the one that the band almost refuses
to acknowledge now, (apparently, you could get banned from the
gwar.net message boards for mentioning it at one point) and a whole
lot of people gave up on them for a while after this. It was almost
fully a kind of poppy punk record, Hunter Jackson had expanded from
just being Techno Destructo to also being Scroda Moon, (the most
hated GWAR character in history, probably) and GWAR had generally
changed from a band with a crazy stage show into a traveling drama
troupe that had released an album of metal-ish showtunes. Thing is,
I loved this when it came out and still do. I remember being
crazy-excited for it before it got released, and had to send off my
17 bucks for it as soon as it came out, even though this was during
my disastrous second semester at Ole Miss, where I was broke to the
point where I literally wouldn't eat on most weekends. What can I
say, GWAR themselves may hate this album now and it almost broke up
the band, but "Babyraper" and "Fuckin' an Animal" got me through
some hard times, you guys.
GWAR - Violence Has Arrived (2001, Metal Blade) - This was
GWAR's big comeback CD after everyone but me thought We Killed
Everything had been a disaster and Hunter Jackson, Chuck Varga,
Danyell Stampe, Don Drakulich, and damn near everyone else involved
with the group in a non-musical way had left the Slave Pit. And man,
honestly, I really didn't like this when it first came out. I
appreciated a leabner, more metal version of GWAR, but so much of
the humor was gone, and so much of this just felt so damn serious,
and it just didn't feel right anymore. I've softened on this over
the years to the point where it's okay now, but it was probably
because of this that I never actually bought War Party when it came
out a couple years later.
GWAR - Beyond Hell (2006, DRT) - Aaaaaaahhhh, goddammit. The
whole reason I decided to re-rip all my CDs and box these damn
things up was because the stupid cat sprayed the CD shelf, and this
one was Ground Zero. Aaaaaand, since it's the one in a cardboard
sleeve, that shit is ruined. Just utterly destroyed. The sleeve is
all stuck together and stinks like hell, and there's paper just
piss-glued all over the CD AND the DVD inside, and this is the best
time possible to find out that DRT Entertainment went out of
business, so this album is out of print and this version is worth
like 60 bucks now, meaning I can't replace it. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Never
get a cat. (I don't mean that, I love you Dusty, but also fuck you)
*GWAR - Lust in Space (2009, Metal Blade) - Man, I think I may be too distraught over the Beyond Hell piss debacle to do many more of these tonight. Gotta get through the G's at least, fuck. I wonder if you can soak a Cd in soapy water without screwing it up. It's just plastic, so maybe. Gonna try it. Oh yeah, if you read the old Armchair Linebacker blog, I bestowed the nickname of the Uberklaw upon Julius Peppers during his run in Chicago, and this is the album that song is from. Anyway, stupid cats.
*GWAR - Bloody Pit of Horror (2010, Metal Blade) - Still can't believe that shit, you guys. Couldn't he have aimed like two inches to the left or something? Fuck. Although upon further thought, I guess if there was any band whose compact disc is strangely appropriate to be destroyed by airborne, disgusting fluids, I suppose it would be GWAR. I never really got into this album, but I never knew why not. Fucking cats, man.
*GWAR - Battle Maximus (2013, Metal Blade) - Man, this is depressing. They recorded an album fully done in tribute to Corey Smoot who had died all shockingly and suddenly from heart defects, and then Dave Brockie OD'ed not even a year later. I don't even know if the Battle Maximus touring cycle was done yet. And then, almost exactly four years later, THE FUCKING CAT PEED ON MY COPY OF BEYOND HELL. Fuuuuuck. Anyway, R.I.P. Corey, Hail Oderus, and I'm gonna go feed the cat, but I'm gonna be passive-aggressive as hell about it.