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June 5 , 2016 - When it Comes Crashin' Down and it Hurts Inside #2 - Perfect  Monsters (Permalink)

Yellow Machinegun - "Oh Die! Oh!! Choose Die!!!" - Look, this has absolutely nothing to do with Manami Toyota or the rasslin' in any way whatsoever, but I had to throw this in here as a warning of what is to come. Because for some reasons my white American ass will never understand, Japanese lady rasslers just scream like all the damn time, and it's weird as hell, and Toyota does it worse than anyone probably. Like she sounds like some sort of goddamn demon, and due to the quiet, polite nature of the average rasslecrowd in the Land of Glorious Nippon, it's mostly all you hear, and it can really fuck you up if you're not ready for it. Another decent analog for all the Toyotascreams would be Donald Tardy from Obituary, but he probably has too much bass in his voice to compare directly, and Yellow Machinegun was one of the radder bands whose shit I illegally downloaded off Audiogalaxy in 2000. I got the split 7" they did with S.O.D., and it's on clear yellow vinyl, and it's pretty cool.

AJW, 8-15-92 - Manami Toyota vs. Toshiyo Yamada (IWA Championship, Hair vs. Hair) - Man, sometimes, I think Mexico is the only place that ever truly gets a hair vs. hair match right. anywhere else, you see the finish coming from a thousand miles away, like the time Edge put his perfect golden mane up against Kurt Angle's early-stage horsehoe male-pattern baldness, or when Jeff Jarrett showed up for the match with X-Pac with a head of limp, wet hair, displaying none of the shine and bounce that had defined his early career. Anyway, Yamada shows up with a chili bowl-ass refugee haircut and Toyota's clocking in at like a 0.5 on the Crystal Gale scale here, so there's no real suspense as to whose look isn't long for this world, but it doesn't matter because the match is ridiculous. As a personal anecdote, back in the day, I had a whole separate Tripod site dedicated mostly to trading wrestling tapes, and because I had a fancy Tv-capture card in my computer, (okay, not fancy; it was a Chinese bootleg from Ebay) I would have screenshots of my shit so people would know whether it was seventh-generation SLP bullshit, and there was a shot of Yamada getting her head shaved. (spoilers) Anyway, I started looking into the stats on the site for some reason, and found out that some head-shaving/bald lady fetish website had linked to the image. And I mean, I'm not gonna kink-shame anyone; you do you, you know? But hotlinking to the image and stealing my meager, precious bandwidth, instead of uploading the picture to their own site was a serious breach of internet etiquette, and WE ARE NOT ANIMALS HERE. So to teach them a lesson, I moved some stuff around and changed some filenames, and as a result, some dude wanting to pound off to pictures of bald ladies would end up having a picture of Captain Caveman all up in there, ruining his whole rhythm, for reasons he would never understand.


CHIKARA Pro Wrestling, 5-15-11 - Manami Toyota, Mike Quackenbush, and Jigsaw vs. The Amazing RED and Los Maximos - Oh man, it's Manami Toyota in the GOD DANG UNITED STATES OF AMERICA in a six-person tag match against a bunch of American dudes who just do flippity-floppity shit and try to emulate KEWL MOVEZ they saw on a video game once, and it looks like they're hurting each other for real, because they probably are, because they're mostly kinda bad at MOVEZ, honestly. There was probably a time in my nerdery when I would've pulled some internet elitist shit, all "why back in my day, we wore black wool tights and worked a headlock for 78 minutes" or whatever, but screw it. It's fun, and if they all end up crippled, they knew what they were signing up for. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Toyota kicks a dude square in the face like a 6'5" World Federated Wrestler HOSS at one point, and she's a tiny lady in her forties, and I probably couldn't hold my arm out and kick my own hand at this point, because I'm a goddamn sweathog. Sad.

AJW, 11-20-1994 - Manami Toyota vs. Aja Kong (WWWA Championship) - This isn't actually the match I wanted to put here; I wanted the one from the '95 Queendom show where Toyota actually wins the title, but for some reason, it's not on the internet anywhere, (there are videos that *say* they're that match, but are actually a different one from around the same period, which is just weird) and I'm too lazy to go find the tape and test out the shitty little $10 USB video capture thingy I got a couple days ago right now. Maybe this weekend? Who knows. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because all mid-90s Toyota vs. Kong matches are pretty much legendary, and I think this is the one Herb Meltzer gave the mythical 5-star rating to.

Anyway, another personal anecdote, about the match I couldn't find video of, but we already went through all that. This was probably around 2005, because I was still living with my brother as a roommate, but it was after the shitty little apartment we broke the lease on because it flooded, which itself was after spending like 4 months rooming with a faux-lesbian aspiring slam poet who basically got us evicted by spending her half of the rent money on a fancy Everquest computer and going to Canada to buy medicinal marijuana, despite having a 6-foot tall hydro plant in the living room closet. Long story, and I'll probably tell it in full someday. Anyway, it was 2005-ish and I did the cardinal sin that every fucking dork eventually commits, where you just kind of assume that all you have to do is show a normal(ish) person your dork shit and they will instantly be converted to your form of dorkery. So I'm sitting there, watching my tape, and my brother walks in, and I start pimping it as the greatest thing ever, just really giving him the hard sell on how great it is. Like just blabbering on and on, about how these are the two best wrestlers ever and how Toyota had chased the title for years while Kong was an insurmountable monster, and for fuck's sake, I'm pretty sure I even used the phrase "fighting spirit," out loud, in my actual life. Jesus. But anyway, I'm all ready for him to see the amazingness and see the shining light of rasslin' glory, when he does the following: He stops, looks at the screen for maybe thirty seconds, and then goes, "the chick in black needs to get naked," and just walks smooth the fuck off. It was like a serious "Bart Simpson rewinding the tape to show Lisa the exact moment when Ralph Wiggum's heart breaks" moment. Anyway, the WWE "Divas Revolution" was never going to work, and someday, we're all going to die.


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