"I vant to bite your - OHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT"

THE CASE FOR: Oh shit, Castlevania, you guys. Back in 1987, there were few video games out there that were as metal as Castlevania. I mean, I guess Ghouls 'N Ghosts (aka Ghosts 'N Goblins) had a lot of overt Satanic imagery and Thriller consisted of just shooting at Cannibal Corpse album covers, but G&G was a good game that was so hard that it rendered the experience completely unenjoyable, and Thriller was one of the shittiest games ever made. So Castlevania gets the nod on the basis that it was metal as hell and also ruled. Think about it, though: You're a dude dressed like Conan the Barbarian who runs around a freaky castle, killing zombies and skeletons and Draculas with a god dang whip. Metal. Also, take a minute to listen to this:

I have a radical theory that the little riff that plays at around the 0:45 mark is the scaffolding which the entire Castlevania series hangs from. It is seriously hard for me to hear that without imagining some manner of horror creature being whipped to death by Simon Belmont, or one of the other members of the Belmont family that show up in the thousand sequels. (Trevor,  Richter, Marcel, Claude, Newgene, Clovis, etc.) It is too perfect for anything else to be true.

THE CASE AGAINST: Anyone who would find a pot roast bricked into the wall of a haunted castle and immediately just snarf it down is super fucked up, you guys.

PERSONAL MEMORY: Back in the day, we lived in University-type housing and ended up spending a lot of time around my parents' crazy friends. Like there was this one dude who was an ex-Marine karate instructor who would carry an AR-15 around with him all the time, (pretty sure it was because someone stole the AK-47) and tiny me would try and explain Transformers: The Movie to him while he would show us how to take his machine gun apart safely, and explained to me while counting out a couple duffle bags full of (possibly illegal) money on our dining room table that the one full of $20 bills actually had more money it it than the one with $100 bills, because math is magic or something. Last I heard of that dude, he was a pretty respectable mall cop with a bunch of daughters or something. Anyway, this story has nothing to do with that guy, but I figured I'd never get to mention any of that anywhere else.
We were chilling and playing Nintendo, and this other one of my parents' friends was there, and that dude was awesome. Like he was all into video games and toys and shit, which is funny because that was probably aberrant behavior in 1987, but it's the standard now. Holmes was a visionary, thirty years ahead of his time. But we were playing Castlevania, and got to one of the parts where there's these skeleton dudes hopping around, throwing bones at you. (How do they do that without running out of bones?) All of a sudden, he busts into what I can best describe as the voice Eddie Murphy would use in his standup act to imitate of of his dumb friends, and goes, "he tried to BONE me in the head!" And I'll never understand why, but it was the funniest thing to me ever. I played through Castlevania: Symphony of the Night again a couple years ago, (oh man, THAT game, you guys, sweet Jesus) and one of those similar hopping, bone-tossing skeletons showed up, and even damn near thirty years later, my first thought was "he tried to BONE me in the head!" Good times, you guys. Good times.

CURRENT RANKINGS AS OF JULY 24, 2016

1. Fallout: New Vegas (XBox 360, 2010)

2. Castlevania (NES, 1986)

3. Brütal Legend (XBox 360, 2009)

4. Mike Tyson’s Punch Out !! (NES, 1987)

5. Fallout 3 (XBox 360, 2008)

6. Fallout 2 (PC, 1998)

7. Fallout (PC, 1997)

8. Fallout Shelter (Android, 2015)

9-10,000,000,000,000,000 - TBD

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