Last time around, we learned that Ramsay Bolton will be the first to watch your funeral and the last one to leave, and that The Greatjon is the medieval fantasy version of the crazy uncle who did like three years in Parchman for running over a dude in a dune buggy after an argument over a football referee’s controversial decision from a week ago. This time around, we’ve got a special three-parter  that looks at Lord Stannis and his Dragonstone Posse, kickin’ it old school for the Lord of Light. As always, if you haven’t any of the books or watched the shows, don’t go any further, because we got spoilers and spoilers and spoilers.

DAVOS SEAWORTH

Ser Davos Seaworth, Lord of the Rainwood, Admiral of the Narrow Sea, and Hand of the King

First off, I have to say that The Onion Knight is probably one of the most likeable dudes in the entire series; one of the few people where if you think he’s a cool guy, there’s not a whole lot of “…well, except for that one time” situations that come to mind. Sure Stannis is an asshole, and he’d be a whole lot better off not hanging around with that guy,  but there is something to be said about loyalty to the dude who picked him up from being a lowly smuggler, you know? He’s a loyal, honest, (for a smuggler, at least) family-oriented dude, (and not in the way Cersei and Jaime are “family oriented,” either) and he’s just such a nice guy, especially when you compare him to just about every other character in the series. Also, few modern literary characters are as closely associated with onions as Davos, and man, I loves me some dang onions. All done up in a skillet, until they get all caramelized and kinda transparent, and you can just add them to pretty much anything, and it’s so good. Man, and somewhere in one of the books (Clash of Kings, maybe?) there’s some passing mention about a random soldier-type dude just crunching into a roasted onion, like it was a dang old apple, and I dunno man, that sounds amazing, and I have to try it someday. Onions, man, onions. But anyway, Davos is awesome, and he’s probably one of the top five dudes I hope nothing horrible happens to by the time I finish reading the books, (If something horrible has already happened, don’t tell me, goddammit, I’ve still got two books left to read. Also, I haven’t fully thought out the rest of the Top 5 ASOIAF Characters Who Seem Alright and Hopefully Don’t Get Sliced in Half, but I figure Tommen would be up there; he just seems like a nice kid, you know?) but I have to be honest with you, the fine people of the internet: The dude is just not metal at all.

“Oh well, it’s not like I was ever gonna shred a rippin’ solo with my little finger-nubs, anyway.”

Seriously, the dude is just such a sad-sack, you know? He’s just a big walking ball of depression, and not even like that lame Hot Topic sort of “ohhh, the darkness within my soooul” depression that can at least be sort of misconstrued as metal by some people. (Posers, mostly.) He’s like the goddamn Eeyore of Westeros, all “oh well, it’s okay, because everyone thinks I suck” as his response to everything.  He gets his fingers chopped off, get thrown in a dungeon, has his wise counsel repeatedly disregarded in favor of some crazy lady who’s probably a pyromaniac, gets blown up (along with a handful of his sons, mind you) by wildfire in Blackwater Bay, and his response is always, “ohhh wellll, I deserved that, because I’m just a lowborn, illiterate smuggler from Flea Bottom, and I’m a huge ball of shit, and people should probably be throwing things at me, such as other, smaller balls of shit.” Just sack up and start punching people, dude. It’s not like you got knuckles to break on your punchin’ hand anymore. Fuck.

METAL LEVEL: Scant metal.
BANDS/GENRES REPRESENTED: I dunno man, probably Jackson Browne or some such.

MELISANDRE

“For real, though, you shouldn’t listen to that Davos guy, because the Onion Knight is a dork, and full of errors.”

Well, she’s a red priestess to a strange and terrifying god, who uses fell magicks in dark and terrible ways and is really, really into burning stuff, especially dudes. So you’ve already got the subject matter for like three King Diamond concept albums right there, and no question of her metal credentials. Y’all might not remember this, in these fancy newer days where everything is all political lyrics, tough-guy posing, and dudes trying to be all in touch with their emotions, but in “gruff” ways or whatever, but few things are more metal than fell magicks. It is known, it has always been this way from the early days, and you can’t deny this.

In addition to the obvious “evil devil black magic woman lady get away from me LOOKOUT!” vibe that’s going on, there’s a pretty heavy undertone of all those keyboardy, “atmospheric” bands with lady singers that started blowing up all over the place in the late 90s. You know, the ones where the band had previously played regular old death metal, and they made it as far as having a well-received demo tape or two, but at some point, someone realized that a well-received death metal demo tape and about 89 cents will get you a taco, so they let this dude they knew who got a pretty sweet keyboard from his parents as a Christmas present start jamming with the band, and he knew a guy who knew a guy who knew this chick that could sing, and maybe they should check her out. And the rest of the band was like “eh, I dunno,” but the main guy was all “hehehehe GIRLS,” and being The Main Guy in a Band was pretty much his only leverage in the field of girl-liking, so he was all “heyyyy, wanna join my band?” or whatever, and they stopped doing death metal and people actually started to give a third of a mummer’s fart about the band finally, and it was all good. Eventually, shit blew up huge and they had a deal with Earache or Century Media or some such, but it was kinda bittersweet, because before you knew it, the public perception of the band was like “this singer lady who may or may not have between four and six other dudes standing behind her; we’re not really sure, because we stopped paying attention” and the band’s Main Guy totally wasn’t the Main Guy anymore, and the other founding member bass player that he kicked out of the band three years earlier was all “lololol told u dude.” But then, the former Main Guy was all “yeah, well you work at Target still, and I just got back from SPAIN,” and he was all “oh yeah,” real sheepish-like, and everyone just kind of mutually felt like jerks.  I really don’t know what any of that had to do with anything, but there you go. Perhaps Davos is the bass player that got kicked out of the band, while the cover of Metal Hammer is showing a huge close up of Melisandre, with Stannis and the other guys standing a good thirty feet back. Who knows, dude.

METAL LEVEL: High.
BANDS/GENRES REPRESENTED: The Gathering, Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation, etc., plus all those songs where Ronnie James Dio sings about evil devil women.

STANNIS BARATHEON

Stannis Baratheon, First of his name, Lord of Dragonstone, and King in the Narrow Sea

“Man, let me tell you about the guy I work for. For years and years, man, all he’s ever talked about are the two dudes he used to run with, and how when the shit went down, they got all the fame and glory, and he got the shaft. And this was like what? Twenty years ago? Thirty? But every day, it’s the same thing, over and over and over, and he can’t just accept that he’s got things pretty good where he’s at, and that if his old bros made out better than he did, that it’s not hurting him any, you know? It gets old, man. Real old. And yeah, I know, he really always has been kind of a difficult dude, and he has kinda screwed me over in the past, but it’s always been okay, because he’s my boy, and if it weren’t for him, I’d be nobody. So it’s not that I’m not grateful or anything, but lately, man… Lately, I just dunno. He’s acting really weird, and I hate to say he’s losing it, but I really do think he’s losing it. Don’t tell anybody I said that, though, because if it ever got back to him, I don’t know what he’d do. Because man, I gotta be honest, he’s always been a little bit out there, and yeah, he’s been a dick to a lot of people, but you guys don’t see the things I’m seeing lately. Like back in the day was one thing, but ever since he found religion, it’s just gotten WEIRD. He acts different, he keeps saying whacky shit, and I try as hard as I can to keep him from doing something stupid, but if I make it too obvious, he’ll just fire me again. I don’t know, man. I just don’t freakin’ know.”

As for which of the above guys was talking, just pick one, because it’s the same either way.

METAL LEVEL: Pretty high up until maybe 1993 or so, but steadily dropping off to pretty much nothing ever since then.
BANDS/GENRES REPRESENTED: Megadeth, Megadeth, Megadeth, that godawful MD.45 thing, and also maybe Megadeth.

NEXT TIME: We ride on the mighty wings of dragon and then smash it to bloody goop with Denarys Targaryen and The Mountain That Rides, Ser Gregor Clegane.