Monthly Archives: August 2013

stabJust in case your friends were suspicious of you being the Worst Person, you can put aside all their doubts with one of these!

If you need explanations, either click this here handy link or scroll down a little, depending on how you got here. If you don’t, that means you’ve been here at least twice, and I didn’t think anyone did that. My mind has been blown. Anyway, things are weird and alphabetical this week, because I forgot to turn Shuffle on, but it all worked out in the end.

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5. Dismember – “Override the Overture” vs. Yes – “Owner of a Lonely Heart”

Ha ha, oh dang, how the hell did THIS happen? A long, long time ago, I bought Dismember’s Massive Killing Capacity CD and decided it was the best, so once I had gained the powers of illegal downloading, I went on a brief “oh man, Swedish death metal” kick, and ended up with a few more of their albums and something by Unleashed that I can’t remember, because the files were corrupted or in some weird Apple format, so I just deleted it. I really hope it wasn’t any good, because I never bothered to try for it again. Anyway, it turns out that original CD I had bought was the one that all the death metal dudes hated, because it had slow parts and memorable songs and other stuff death metal isn’t supposed to have, and most of their stuff before and after was just not nearly as good to my ears. This song was alright, though, kinda sounding like old Sepultura, if they were way faster, had an even more unintelligible singer, and tuned their guitars way down, to the point where you kind of wonder how they even worked, with the strings just dangling loose like that. Anyway, this was the only song I could remember a thing about off the Like an Ever Flowing Stream album, and it’s kind of okay, I guess.
“Owner of a Lonely Heart” is one of those songs you hear when you’re like three years old, and it just sort of burrows its way into your mind forever. So you spend the rest of your life flashing back to that weird horn-blast keyboard thing and the part of the video where the dude jumps off the roof, and it freaks you smooth the hell out, because you’re three, and you don’t know about special effects yet, so it’s all too real. So the guy jumped off the roof and turned into an eagle or whatever it was, and there’s this crazy eagle-man out there in the world, and as the years go by, he flies and soars and tastes the blood of the trout in his beak, and he loses the parts of his mind that made him human and becomes more eagle than man, and he’s still out there, and he’s watching you, and he’s waiting. Crap, gonna have the night terrors now. Fuck eagles. But yeah, somehow, it made it on my phone, and anything that can take my mind to a place where a crazed man-eagle will come out of nowhere and start slashing at my eyes, like an avian version of Inspector Clouseau’s man-servant dude is probably something I need in my life.


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6. System of a Down – “P.L.U.C.K.” vs. Judas Priest – “Painkiller”

You know what, to hell with all of you, because when System of a Down first showed up, they were just about my favorite band for like a full six months. They were doing things the likes of which I had never heard, while managing to not make me think “oh man, this is some nonsense, no wonder I haven’t heard its like before.” This one sounds all pissed-off in parts, because he’s singing about his people getting slaughtered by the Turks, but it also sounds downright cheerful in other parts, because System of a Down was just super-weird in those days, which was what made them good. I can’t comment much more on it, because I really don’t know what happened in the Armenian Genocide, aside from the way no one seems to want to remember that it happened. At some point, the dudes in charge just sort of shrugged and went “why did the Armenian people get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks.” Something is terribly wrong with me.
Meanwhile, there’s “Painkiller” by Judas Priest, and WHOA, HOLY SHIT THIS SONG IS THE MOST METAL THING THAT EVER EXISTED, OHHHHH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH. Rob Halford is SCREEEEAMIIIIIING, and that drummer dude doesn’t know that you can actually stop hitting the double-bass sometimes, and Glen Tipton and K.K. Downing keep doing these guitar solos, where it sounds like one guys getting finished, and the other guy frowns and is like “oh yeah, dickhead? Listen to THIS!” And the bass player would probably be alright if I could hear him. I think Judas Priest, having failed in making us commit suicide with the hidden messages on “Better By You, Better Than Me,” just decided to take the direct approach and murder us directly with this song. And it worked, We are all dead now.

WINNER: Judas Priest in a blowout, with System of a Down getting a second chance.

AnthraxFistfulOfMetal  black-sabbath-paranoid-nems-5

7. Anthrax – “Panic” vs. Black Sabbath – “Paranoid”

You know, I probably could have thought up a bunch of stuff to say about “Panic.” And none of it would have mattered, because Paranoid, you know? If you’ve never heard “Paranoid” before, you’re a bad person, if you don’t like it, you’re a monster, and if you’ve heard and liked it, but don’t have it burned into your brain in its entirety, you are suspect. Highly suspect.

WINNER: Sabbath.

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8. Demon Lung – “Pareidolia” vs. They Might Be Giants – “Particle Man”

It’s really a good thing Demon Lung doesn’t suck, because I kinda internet-know the drummer, and I’m pretty sure it’s basically his band, so even if they were godawful, I’d at least try to be nice; all “oh, it’s a solid effort!” or whatever, but it’s all good, because so are they. I’d name-drop the dude, but I don’t think I ever knew his last name, am way too lazy to look it up, and there have to be dozens of Jeremies in the world, so it would be a pointless thing to do. The story of him going to the Creationism museum while wearing a Deicide shirt shall always remain one of the best things I’ve ever heard, though. Anyway, I don’t have as much of a frame for reference, re: doom metal as I should, (and I really should, because it tends to be aaaaaawesooooome, for real, what is wrong with my listening habits)  but just imagine Pentagram (when they’re more in metal mode than rock mode)  with Grace Slick singing, and you’re at least in the same town, if not the same neighborhood. Someday when I’m not broke, I’m gonna totally buy the full-fledged Cd they put out, because I already got the E.P. for free, and I don’t want to internet-steal it and be that guy. Also, a T-shirt or two. Someday. Stupid air conditioners, electric bills, and car tires. Stupid world.
“Particle Man” is a song you totally know, because it was everywhere for a while, and I think the video was even in heavy rotation on the old Comedy Channel, which is crazy because that was a comedy channel, as opposed to a music one. A TV channel about music is a pretty cool idea; someone should do that. And someone needs to make a joke about there not being a cable network dedicated to music, because I’m pretty sure nobody’s thought to do that yet. But yeah, “Particle Man” is a fun song and all, but listening to it again just reminded me of how I got burned out on it sometime around 1993, and the burns haven’t quite healed yet. Also, Triangle Man sounds like a dick, and I hope Universe Man fucks him up someday. Feel bad for Person Man, though; sounds like he’s got it hard enough without people hitting him with frying pans. I bet it was Triangle Man, too. More like Asshole Man, if you ask me.

WINNER: Demon Lung, Demon Lung, Demon Lung hates Particle Man. They have a fight; Demon Lung wins, Demon Luuuuung.

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SECOND CHANCE #1. Sacred Reich – “Victim of Demise” vs. System of a Down – “P.L.U.C.K.”

Feels weird to do this, but I have to give this one to System of a Down. “Victim of Demise” is perfectly fine, but it’s like the fifth or sixth best song off an album by a band that has like a zillion songs from a bunch of CDs I like versus maybe the fourth best off the one really good album by a band with maybe 10 songs I like. Between letting Sacred Reich lose and not giving the Second Chance nod to Anthrax, I am really doing my favorite bands wrong lately. Oh well. Even with upsets like this, by the time all the deletion is done, Sacred Reich will still have probably thirty songs to System of a Down’s six, so I don’t feel bad.

Yes, Priest, Sabbath, Demon Lung, and S.O.A.D. stay, and the rest:

play him off



So a while back, I got a new phone. Then, I broke it and got another one along the same lines, but presumably better. I mean, the screen is bigger and it can do weird stuff with sending files into other people’s phones and your own computer and whatnot, but I guess the main thing is that it’s marketed well enough where you can get a case for it that’s something other than “generic single-color rubber slip-on thing,” sometimes even in actual stores, and not just those little mall booths where they go to Amazon, buy a bunch of cases for $3 each, then ask you $37 for them. Anyway, that information has nothing to do with most of this, but it provides texture for this little introduction, if nothing else. The world needs more textures. Anyway, as well as useless bullshit like making phone calls and allowing me to communicate with the outside world, it’s a pretty sweet MP3 player. And I got lots of MP3s. So many of them. Like a hundred, man. But seriously, at some point, I ripped every CD I had to an external hard drive, (oh man, remember when computers didn’t come with like 15 squillobites of storage, and you had to augment what you had internally?) plus added in all that illegal shit from the Great Downloading Binge of 2000-2004, (which totally didn’t happen, and they’re all hella-legal, seriously) and it all added up to too much crap, and in a spree of going “ooh, ooh, I’ll add this and this and this oh man,” I added way too much to my phone. Too much, as in 1,259 songs. Wow. On one hand, hey right on, variety, but on the other, I do my musical-type listening almost completely on the drive home from work, (I listen to podcasts on the drive up there, because in the darkness of three in the morning, still in the process of waking up and on deer-infested roads, I don’t need to get all Slayered up and have one of those “oh dang, I didn’t know I was going that fast” moments.) and I really don’t need to be reaching down, looking at tiny screens, and skipping stuff I don’t want to hear at 65-70 mph, you know? (Ha ha, oh man, I obey speed limits, what a DORK.) So, partly inspired by sitting on the toilet and  reading about Raven Mack’s JJ Krupert thing a while back,  and partly inspired by not wanting to perish in flames, I have devised a system to cull the herd.

HOW IT WORKS: First, I put the thing on shuffle, all the way home, without skipping a track. Then, I go back over my recently played list (mentally adding stuff that it left off the list for some reason, like the Armored Saint track today) and pit each song against each other in the order they got played. So the first song fights the second song, etc. The winner of each song fight (the one I liked more, duh) stays on the phone, and the loser gets deleted. And just in case “Ace of Spades” goes up against “Breaking the Law” and it’s an awful thing for one of those to go, I’ll choose one song from each day to get a second chance. The second chance song stays on the phone until the next day, when it faces that day’s second-chance song, with the winner staying for good. Also, if two songs I can’t stand to lose end up that way, I’ll just keep them both, because fuck your rules, man. I’m a loner, internet; A rebel. But yeah, and then, I come home and type about them, and lost of people get pissed off when they click a Google link hoping for Rapidshare downloads. Suckers.

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1. Black Sabbath – “Heaven and Hell” vs. Pentagram – “The Deist”

“Heaven and Hell” is pretty much one of the masterpieces of the heavily-metallic arts, and no matter how unaware of post-Ozzy Black Sabbath the average dude out in the streets may be, it has to get serious consideration as one of the awesomest things Sabbath ever did. And awesome things Black Sabbath did that involved either Ozzy Osbourne or Ronnie James Dio covers an awful lot of ground, you know? It’s just crazy good, and it still makes me want to punch that Coheed and Cambria guy in the face, because of those things he did to it last year. Anyway, this was a no-brainer, and out of all eleventy-million songs on the damn thing, there were very, very few that stood a chance here.
“The Deist” is the hapless victim here, a moderately deep cut from an album that’s actually on the phone in its entirety, thanks to me literally paying actual money for it, which in this case meant paying six imaginary digital dollars to Amazon for an imaginary digital copy. The Future is here. The bummer is that this is awesome.  It’s a killer song that mentions Satan pretty early on and has this crazy guitar sound that makes me think of what would happen if Thor had use for a lawn mower. Really is a bummer that the world at large (or at least a small portion of it) went completely unaware of this band until that documentary about Bobby Liebling being a crack-addicted real-life Gollum (although he’s cleaned up a lot lately and has been fully upgraded to Smeagol status) came out. I think I first heard of Pentagram when the Be Forewarned CD got reviewed in some magazine my brother had, but I’m not gonna lie, I never bothered to actually listen to them until some time late last year. So I’m a poseur, but not a complete one, maybe? Anyway, this is good and it’s a bummer that it has to lose, but no worries, as this album still has a few goddamn untouchable songs on it, so there will definitely still be a lot of Pentagram in the rotation.

WINNER: Sabbath.

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2. Sacred Reich – “Victim of Demise” vs. Armored Saint – “Warzone”

This was actually a tougher call that you might think. Like Sacred Reich, they’re my boys, you know, to the point where a lot of people I internet-know still think of me as “the Sacred Reich guy.” And “Victim of Demise” is one of their more killer songs, from the first album when they were still kinda like Baby Slayer, just going nuts all over the place, and hadn’t yet settled into that comfortable middle-of-the-road groove that a bunch of bands did between like ’88 and ’90, where they all ended up releasing their best stuff, but then either broke up, (Death Angel) fell off the end of the Earth, (these guys) or just turned into complete foolishness. (Metallica) Anyway, this is early Sacred Reich at their Slayerest, going on about rotting corpses and diseases and such, and it’s as awesome as you should expect.
But you know, I barely have anything by Armored Saint, (just this and a couple compilation tracks) and of all that, this is probably my favorite thing of theirs, so it would be messed up to knock it off there. Especially considering that if I ever saw this thing to completion, there would still be a ton of Sacred Reich on there, including at least two – maybe three or four – other songs from the Ignorance album. So in a shocking upset…

WINNER: Armored Saint. HOWEVER, “Victim of Demise” stays alive for now as today’s second-chance song, with apologies to Pentagram.

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3. Diamond Head – “Helpless” vs. Stormtroopers of Death – “Raise Your Sword”

Oh man, Diamond Head. Those guys are awesome, and on one hand, it’s a bummer that they’re known solely as the band that’s had like five songs of theirs covered by Metallica at one point or another. On the other hand, I guess being that into Diamond Head earns points in Metallica’s favor. Anyway, you probably know the Metallica version, and this is a lot like that, except with singing and notes and stuff, plus the entire freaking final third or so of the song that Metallica refused to play, because at that point, they were still trying way too hard to act all, “grrrr, we are GRUFF and can’t enjoy things at all, including girls.” Same reason they left the “OOOOOHH BAAAAYBEEEE, I CAN ROCK AAND ROOOOLLLLL” part out of “Crash Course in Brain Surgery.” But yeah, awesome.
There was a window of a couple of years where S.O.D. was like my thing, and I got all super-pumped when Bigger Than the Devil came out and super-upset when people got all butt-hurt over it not sounding like Speak English or Die. Anyway, this was a bonus track on the deluxe version of the CD, or in real-life terms, one of the two songs I downloaded off Audiogalaxy with my 56K welfare internet, because buying two versions of the same CD is for chumps, suckers, and sucker-ass chumps. But yeah, this is from the dying days of the band, when Billy Milano decided that they should become the Weird Al Yankovics of heavy metal, which sounded like a really good idea until he put out that useless Rebel You Love to Hate CD. But yeah, this is S.O.D. making fun of Manowar, and even if it was completely terrible, it would be worthwhile just for the line, “Hack and kill, then kill some more, kill and hack, then hack and kill.” But man, the last few minutes are mostly just Billy screeching out high notes that no one thought he’d be able to hit, and it gets kinda tedious when you’re driving, and you’ve vowed to not skip to the next song.

WINNER: Diamond Head.

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4. Deftones – “My Own Summer (Shove It)” vs. Iron Maiden – “Prowler”

Welp, this one was over before it started. One one hand, The Deftones were probably the most tolerable band to hit the scene when nu-metal hit and things got all Korny for a few years, but on the other hand, IRON MAIDEN. And man, the self-titled Maiden album is pretty loaded, and if I had to ditch something from it, this would have been the song I could have stood to see go, which opened the door for an Armored Saint-style upset. But really, I was only ever just sort of barely, marginally into this band, and while “My Own Summer” was like everybody’s summer jam of 1997 or whatever, the title track was like a hundred times better, and it was this band’s only chance to upset anything by Iron Maiden. Also, during the quiet parts, Chino’s whisper-singing is just disconcerting to me, like you can hear all his consonants extra hard, and it just sounds all wet and gross, like he’s singing in my ear as I’m tied to a chair in his rape-dungeon or something. Which might have a been a plus for all the folks who were rocking the XXXXL Jncos, six-foot wallet chains, and Adidas visors at the time, but I don’t cotton to it none, mister.




(Also, “The Warrior’s Prayer” by Manowar came up, but it’s not an actual song, so it went away automatically.)