So in the last post (scroll down, stupid) I laid out my plans for the Terrible Violence One Hundred Days of Something Initiative, and I mentioned fabulous prizes for people who blow the whistle on my lazy ass. So after not thinking about it all day and then remembering that I said I’d do this, I’m here to tell you what the most preliminary of a list of potential prizes will be. So here you go:
- My extra copy of the Robocop DVD. It’s basically the best movie ever, and if you don’t think so, you probably like movies where dudes who wear scarves in warm weather discuss their quirky problems with their quirky friends while quirky indie rock plays in the background, and I begin to hope for a final Armageddon to befall every white person, ever. If you’ve never seen this, you are awful, but choosing this as your prize for pointing out my failures might be your only hope for salvation. Your move, creep.
- My extra copy of the 
MLW Revolutions rasslin’ DVD. I honestly can’t remember how I ended up with two copies of this, which freaks me out. But it’s the independent pro wrestling from that weird period in the early 2000s after every non-WWF company went out of business, but before TNA started, when everyone and their criminal uncle was trying to recreate the whole ECW thing. But the matches on this thing are a pretty insane list, including La Parka vs. Sabu, CM Punk vs. Raven, and Steve Corino vs. Terry Funk. It’s like four damn hours, too, and for the price of free, you can’t do much better.
- My extra copy of the Swimming With Sharks DVD. 
I think I first heard of this movie when a bunch of samples from it were on this heavy metal-type CD I had illegally downloaded, and I was all like “Jesus, that sounds intense.” Basically, it’s this movie that can’t decide whether it wants to be a semi-dark comedy or a straight-up psychological thriller, where the guy that kept saying “what?” in Pulp Fiction gets treated like shit by Kevin Spacey, who’s his boss, so he kidnaps him and beats the shit out of him and gives him paper cuts and pours lemon juice into them, and everyone learns a valuable lesson… Or do they? I dunno, Big Lots had the special edition for like a few dollars, so this copy of the normal version is up for grabs.
- Fifteen dollars worth of NFL football cards from your favorite team. Seriously, no matter what your team is, I should be able to fulfill such a request, and while it might not all be tied up in one single $15 card, you have my word of honor that it won’t just be a big stack of bullshit. So tell me your football team of choice, and I shall put together what I feel shall be a satisfactory prize package, at least within reason. Fifteen dollars worth of reason.
- I will buy you a digital download of Louis CK: Live at the Beacon Theater. I would give you an actual physical copy, but none actually exist, since he only did it through the website, all modernized and such. Anyway, after watching this, Sarah laughed so hard that she might have had some sort of internal rupture, so be forewarned that this could seriously kill you and leave you dead, and I won’t be held responsible for that. But yeah, he spends an hour or so being hilarious about completely inappropriate things, and while this is the cheapest and most convenient for me out of all the prizes, it might seriously be the best. Well, aside from Robocop, but that’s Robocop, you know? But I guess if you’re some shitty person on dial-up internet in the 21st century, I could burn you a copy or something, which still wouldn’t cost me much more than the five bucks the download would cost. Which makes me think of something…
- I will PayPal five dollars to you. Five whole dollars, for doing nothing but sending me a comment, calling me an asshole. You can use it to buy food or medicine or clothing or drugs or whores or really low-grade chemical weapons or whatever. Knock yourself out. You can even use it for that Louis CK thing up there, if you don’t have any confidence in my ability to click the “this is a gift” box at the checkout page. Or I dunno, maybe it could cover shipping when you buy something you really want. Who knows. Or, if none of these are good enough for you…
- OTHER PRIZES TO BE THOUGHT OF AND THEN NAMED LATER. Seriously, there’s probably a lot of stuff around here that you people might want of mine bad enough to win it. Maybe I’ll think of it soon. Or I’ll draw you a picture or make you a mixed tape with a bunch of Megadeth on it. Like from back when Dave Mustaine was still a junkie who hadn’t yet found Jesus, so they were still good, even. I dunno. But it’s basically free, whatever it is, so don’t complain. God, you people.
Anyway, this is what you people are playing for so far, and it concludes Day One of the One Hundred Days of Something. Tune in tomorrow for… Something.
