Category Archives: Websitery

The reviews are in!

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spambotEver since the triumphant launch of Terrible Violence, here are some of the great things that poorly-disguised spambots have  unsuccessfully tried to say in my comments:

“Utterly pent content, Really enjoyed reading.” – kopi luwak terbaik, spammer of some sort of Asian coffee.

“I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an impatience over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike. “ – cheap reseller hosting, spammer of… cheap reseller hosting?

“Tremendous! This particular is all I can think pertaining to a blog post like this excellent. This kind of is literally a notably explanatory article post on the blog. You just need to know a lot about this amazing.” – Travel Guide, spammer of something obviously travel-related.

“I conceive other website owners should take this web site as an model, very clean and wonderful user pleasant pattern . “ – Jed Calwell, spammer of something, but the link he posted absolutely did not explain what it was at all.

“I think other website proprietors should take this web site as an example , very clean and wonderful user friendly pattern .” – Malik Tjendekia Junus, spammer of something in a language I don’t understand, which was shockingly not the same thing Jed Calwell was pimping.

“This is a great blog you have here,” “Wow Excellent blog!” and “Very nice very nice stuff you have on ur blog your above excellence” – all posted within one 24-hour period by  Humor News, spammer of some website that has a bunch of pirated movies, a picture of a car with a giant penis made of snow on top of it, and a link to “The 11 Worst Vagina Tattoos of All Time,” that tries to trick you into giving it your Facebook password, and can only be exited by closing the browser tab.

“I simply want to tell you that I’m all new to blogging and site-building and certainly enjoyed you’re page. Likely I’m planning to bookmark your blog . You surely have excellent articles and reviews. Thank you for revealing your webpage.” – Matthew C. Kriner, spammer of a site that no one paid the bill for, because it’s just got one of those placeholder pages up instead of a real website.

Sweet Jesus, someday, I need to tell people that this thing exists, so I can get comments from actual humans.

A Special Addendum: Fabulous Prizes.

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Stanley Spadowski's FunhouseSo in the last post (scroll down, stupid) I laid out my plans for the Terrible Violence One Hundred Days of Something Initiative, and I mentioned fabulous prizes for people who blow the whistle on my lazy ass. So after not thinking about it all day and then remembering that I said I’d do this, I’m here to tell you what the most preliminary of a list of potential prizes will be. So here you go:

YOUR MOVE, CREEP- My extra copy of the Robocop DVD. It’s basically the best movie ever, and if you don’t think so, you probably like movies where dudes who wear scarves in warm weather  discuss their quirky problems with their quirky friends while quirky indie rock plays in the background, and I begin to hope for a final Armageddon to befall every white person, ever. If you’ve never seen this, you are awful, but choosing this as your prize for pointing out my failures might be your only hope for salvation. Your move, creep.

- My extra copy of the and Steve CorinoMLW Revolutions rasslin’ DVD. I honestly can’t remember how I ended up with two copies of this, which freaks me out. But it’s the independent pro wrestling from that weird period in the early 2000s after every non-WWF company went out of business, but before TNA started, when everyone and their criminal uncle was trying to recreate the whole ECW thing. But the matches on this thing are a pretty insane list, including La Parka vs. Sabu, CM Punk vs. Raven, and Steve Corino vs. Terry Funk. It’s like four damn hours, too, and for the price of free, you can’t do much better.

- My extra copy of the Swimming With Sharks DVD. GROW UP, WAY IT GOESI think I first heard of this movie when a bunch of samples from it were on this heavy metal-type CD I had illegally downloaded, and I was all like “Jesus, that sounds intense.” Basically, it’s this movie that can’t decide whether it wants to be a semi-dark comedy or a straight-up psychological thriller, where the guy that kept saying “what?” in Pulp Fiction gets treated like shit by Kevin Spacey, who’s his boss, so he kidnaps him and beats the shit out of him and gives him paper cuts and pours lemon juice into them, and everyone learns a valuable lesson… Or do they? I dunno, Big Lots had the special edition for like a few dollars, so this copy of the normal version is up for grabs.

WOOOO- Fifteen dollars worth of NFL football cards from your favorite team. Seriously, no matter what your team is, I should be able to fulfill such a request, and while it might not all be tied up in one single $15 card, you have my word of honor that it won’t just be a big stack of bullshit. So tell me your football team of choice, and I shall put together what I feel shall be a satisfactory prize package, at least within reason. Fifteen dollars worth of reason.

DON'T FORGET YOUR PASSWORD, NUMBNUTS- I will buy you a digital download of Louis CK: Live at the Beacon Theater. I would give you an actual physical copy, but none actually exist, since he only did it through the website, all modernized and such.  Anyway, after watching this, Sarah laughed so hard that she might have had some sort of internal rupture, so be forewarned that this could seriously kill you and leave you dead, and I won’t be held responsible for that. But yeah, he spends an hour or so being hilarious about completely inappropriate things, and while this is the cheapest and most convenient for me out of all the prizes, it might seriously be the best. Well, aside from Robocop, but that’s Robocop, you know? But I guess if you’re some shitty person on dial-up internet in the 21st century, I could burn you a copy or something, which still wouldn’t cost me much more than the five bucks the download would cost. Which makes me think of something…

FIVE. WHOLE. DOLLARS.- I will PayPal five dollars to you. Five whole dollars, for doing nothing but sending me a comment, calling me an asshole. You can use it to buy food or medicine or clothing or drugs or whores or really low-grade chemical weapons or whatever. Knock yourself out. You can even use it for that Louis CK thing up there, if you don’t have any confidence in my ability to click the “this is a gift” box at the checkout page. Or I dunno, maybe it could cover shipping when you buy something you really want. Who knows. Or, if none of these are good enough for you…

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS TO OPEN A COFFE SHOP- OTHER PRIZES TO BE THOUGHT OF AND THEN NAMED LATER. Seriously, there’s probably a lot of stuff around here that you people might want of mine bad enough to win it. Maybe I’ll think of it soon. Or I’ll draw you a picture or make you a mixed tape with a bunch of Megadeth on it. Like from back when Dave Mustaine was still a junkie who hadn’t yet found Jesus, so they were still good, even. I dunno. But it’s basically free, whatever it is, so don’t complain. God, you people.

Anyway, this is what you people are playing for so far, and it concludes Day One of the One Hundred Days of Something. Tune in tomorrow for… Something.

A Special Announcement.

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So, here we are, just a few minutes into the new year, and if you’re reading this, I can only assume you’re one of maybe five or six people, because lately, that’s about all that ever comes here. Sure, I can blame that on the fact that ChamberGates blew up my old website and I had to start over with this one, but the truth is, it was down to about that many for most of the last couple years anyway.  So how did this happen, when I at least had hundreds of folks coming here at late as ’05 or so? Easy. Even though I actually pay actual money for this stuff,  never actually do anything with it. Seriously. The big Terrible Violence “launch,” for lack of a better term was in July. And there have only been seven posts since then. Seven. And in the wake of football season, have I been devoting my efforts to representing the Chicago Bears over at Armchair Linebacker instead? Nope. Six posts in that time. So there I was, all thinking, “oh hey, a new website and a new beginning or whatever,” just knew I was going to retake the internet by storm, just like I somehow convinced myself I had done around 2001 or so, and in the end, all I did was discover that the biggest lying scoundrel in my life was the internet version of me. But friends, (or just friend, in case the other five people have quit coming here by now…) that is all about to change. For today, I am launching the Terrible Violence Dot Com ONE HUNDRED DAYS OF SOMETHING Initiative. Continue reading →

Still alive; still no internets.

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Still have pets, though.

I can post this now, because I finally waded through enough old emails and remembered a bunch of stupid things I had done, so I have a working password for both HostGator and WordPress again. So. Fully established in Sulphur, still not unpacked, still no internet or cable, (I should be able to actually afford cable now, whoa) but the new job is fully underway. I get paid Thursday, breaking about a month and a half of apocalyptic brokeness, so things will finally achieve some level of electronic normalcy soon. In the meantime, you can keep yourself busy with this thing I did for Armchair Linebacker a couple days ago. Got my fancy new website and still just write for someone else’s free one. Life is strange. It’s not the only one I’ve done via a combination of text files and USB drives in wired computers, but it’s the only one that was any good.
Anyway, until next time, stay outta jail.

Well, here we are.

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Heyyyyy everybody!

"We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles!"

Hi. Welcome. Hello. How’s it going? Good? Oh. Sorry to hear that. Anyway, this is TERRIBLE VIOLENCE, the future of the past of websites. It’s weird to be typing things to you, the internet, on an empty website with basically nothing on it yet, but it wasn’t always this way. Before there was TERRIBLE VIOLENCE, (and I don’t know why I keep typing it in all caps, but it just seems right to me, for some reason.) there was Web Surf Nicaragua, a huge waste of time where I dumped the things that were in my brain from 1998 to a month or so ago, until my old web host got all stupid on me. The whole story on what went down there is still up at the old Blogspot site, so I won’t bother going over it again,  except to say that I no longer owe ChamberGates any money, so I no longer feel like not being a dick to them, and I’d just like to reiterate that their whole way of handling credit/debit cards is dangerously ghetto as hell, and you shouldn’t use them. And hell, now that I think about it, their rigged-ass system cost me something like $30 in late fees that wouldn’t have existed if their system had accepted my card (that worked everywhere else I used it) or if they had waited less than a month to tell me that it didn’t go through. But this is becoming an exercise in telling you things that you don’t care about, so I’ll shut up about it.

Anyway, since I really haven’t yet made the existence of the new site known to most of the eight or nine people who were into WSN, and since I haven’t yet started trickling the old material over here, if you’re reading this, you’re probably new people, at least to me. So just for the record,  if there actually was anything here yet, it would probably be all over the place and not really follow any coherent theme. Past topics covered have ranged from dinosaurs to Robocop to how much I hate jazz and love Judas Priest to the terrible fate of the Chicago Bears. Light on the football lately, though, because that all goes on someone else’s site when I do that. But yeah. It’s a website of things I enjoy, and a website of things I could do without. Either way, it’s a website of things, and they rarely have anything to do with each other. Makes sense to me, at least.

So anyway, really quick, what’s happened since I last left you people?

  • Macho Man Randy Savage died. If it didn’t suck enough that another wrestler/chunk of my childhood was gone, it sucked that much more that the dude got struck down at a point where he was turning into one of the very, very few giant huge megastars of the steroids ‘n cocaine era of big time wrasslin’ to actually make it out okay, without being a sad, broken old man who just couldn’t give it up, like the Ric Flairs, Ultimate Warriors, and Hulk Hogans of the world. Bummer. Snappin’ mad Slim Jims for my dead homies.
  • Oprah Winfrey retired from her TV show, which was somehow considered a really big deal. Like I guess no one knows how to go on with their life now that they have to settle for an entire magazine and entire cable network dedicated to her. Like for real, I’m sure Oprah is a wonderful person who’s probably done some wonderful things for some wonderful people, but if I’m expected to shed the big tears because my Oprah access has been cut to only about 160 hours a week, seriously, fuck her. Fuck her to hell. Anyway, I think the only Oprah memory I have is from the 1990s at some point, when the dude who owned a bar back in one of my old hometowns got dragged out there so that the mom of a girl who got drunk-driven to death after a legal-aged dude bought her a bunch of drinks there could confront him, and that whole kind of deal. It was kind of amazing, because if you watched the show and didn’t know better, the guy who ran the place was a monster who sold alcohol to kids and the mom was a grieving mother who wanted justice. But with my mom close enough to the situation to actually know the people involved, the “mom” on the show was really only a mother in the biological sense, who didn’t raise and barely knew the girl involved, and was just there to look good for the lawsuit, which was apparently already in motion before the body was even cold. Never would have known any of that by watching the Oprah-ized version of the story, though. Magic of television, I suppose.
  • On a related note, my new thrash metal album, Fuck You to Hell, is set to be released on Megaforce Records like any day now.
  • One of the guys from Jackass who wasn’t Johnny Knoxville or Steve-O croaked himself (and a passenger) with a fast car and a bunch of liquor. The real tragedy of the story, though, was the way that the internet in general absolutely freaked out in some sort of insane grief-storm over this happening, as though he had been some sort of super-important voice of a generation and a leader of Real Change We Can Believe In, and not just some guy who shoved things up his ass to make junior high  kids giggle. I know, it’s a tragedy and all, but god damn, we are so doomed as a species.
  • OHHHHHHHHH GODDDD I WANT MY FOOOTBALLLL STUPID COLLECTIVE BARGAINING AGREEMENTS NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • English royalty types got married, and for a couple of weeks, it was the absolute biggest news story to end all news stories on Earth, despite the fact that no one actually cared. When I think about how much time, money, and real estate gets dedicated to something as pointless as a powerless, ceremonial monarchy that pretty much doesn’t actually do anything, it makes me wonder if that stereotypical PBS image of British people as being really sophisticated, proper, stiff people is all a sham and that if they’re not all just batshit insane underneath it all. I mean, you’d think that if they had any sense, they would have all grabbed some ass-whoopin’ sticks, jumped in some cars, and beaten all of those people half to death and tossed them out in the projects by now. (They do have projects over there, right? Also, at some point, someone needs to yell “ACE OF SPADES” while all of this is happening. I know that’s what I would yell.) Just to put this in perspective, it would be a lot like Americans putting a few tens of millions aside each year in the federal budget to keep the Kardashians in a literal castle and put Bruce Jenner’s rigor mortis face on all the currency. So at least the U.S. isn’t the only Land of the Doomed out there, I suppose.

That’s all that comes to mind as far as the world in general, or at least the parts that I remembered and/or had a semi-coherent thought about. As for my own local world, me and Sarah (For the uninitiated, my special lady sweetheart who must struggle against my increasingly apparent brain damage) are in the middle of a big move, I start a new job in a few weeks, and all of a sudden I’ve found myself with hella dogs surrounding me. I could go further into all that, but this is already too long and I don’t want to waste it all on super-condensed versions, when the more fully fleshed-out tales can be told later. But for a teaser, I electrocuted myself with a fish tank tonight, and have been having to bind my dog’s penis up in an Ace bandage lately. I’ll leave you with whatever twisted version of that image that your mind’s eye can come up with and say bye for now. So, bye for now.