Category: Football

OFFENSIVE LINEMANS

long-bike

Notable Dudes That’s Still Here: Kyle Long, Jermon Bushrod, Jordan Mills, Matt Slauson, Michael Ola, Charles Leno Jr.
Notable Dudes They Got Rid Of: Roberto Garza (retirement), Ryan Groy (traded to Patriots)
Notable New Dudes: Will Montgomery (ex Bronco), Vladimir DuCasse (Transylvania)

25 Year Top 5: Olin Kreutz, Ruben Brown, James Williams, John Tait, Andy Heck

25 Year Bottom 5: J’Marcus Webb, Frank Omiyale, Gabe Carimi, Stan Thomas, Terrence Metcalf

Best Cardboard I Own: 2003 Topps Pristine All Star Endorsements Olin Kreutz

Fantasy Bootleg: If I was a real piece of shit, I’d get my own last name with #73 on it, because that was the number I wore when I played offensive line in high school. But I’m not, so that’s not gonna happen. Of course, my freshman year, I wore #69, which is the funniest number, but I’m still not a big enough piece of shit to put my own name on a Bears jersey. Also, overlty sexual humor has never been my style, so I’d probably just get a #69 DUDE jersey, and make it a Bill & Ted reference. The Bill & Ted movies were the best, and every day, I wake up in fear of finding out that they’re going to remake them with some sweet tween boys time-traveling with iPhones or some shit. There’s no way to really tween up Ernest movies though, so at least those are safe.

Preebok Ebay Jersey: The overtly white didn’t start buying jerseys en masse until the 2000s, so there’s no such thing, sadly. I totally would’ve rocked a Big Cat Williams or a Jay Hilgenberg, though.

Expert Analysis: If you’ve ever seen me try to act like I know things about football online, you’re probably sick of me bitching about the Chicago Bear offensive line, as the Doom of 2010 kept rolling up until it was the Doom of 2013, until it finally got to a point where the team began being doomed by its defense. And things are better than they’ve been in years, but they’re still bad. I mean, Will Montgomery is a fine center and a definite upgrade from the withered husk of Roberto Garza, Kyle Long is looking like a dude who will be making Pro Bowls for the next decade, and when he’s healthy, Matt Slauson is probably a lot better than Kyle Long. But once you move outside of the center and the guards, shit gets ugly. I won’t go so far as saying Jermon Bushrod has been stealing a paycheck since they made a big deal of signing him from the Saints, but I will say he’s been getting handed a paycheck, glancing down at it, thinking there must have been some sort of mistake, and then going, “hey, are you sure that – uh, never mind,” before pocketing it and leaving in a real big hurry. And Jordan Mills has probably overachieved for a fifth round pick, but the expected achievement level for one of those is usually “just barely makes the team and plays for like three years before retiring,” So he really shouldn’t be headed into his third year as a shitty starter, bu there’s no one else to turn to at this point. They already tried sticking Charles Leno in his spot, and on a possibly related note, Jimmy Claussen is out with a concussion now. The other top backups are Michael Ola, who was shockingly good as a random CFL guy that Trestman brought in to play guard, but is only good at playing guard, and Hroniss Grasu, a rookie who plays center and possibly guard, but definitely not tackle. So the Bears only option seem to be sticking with Bushrod and Mills, taking the risk of kicking Kyle Long out to right tackle, (and this isn’t a video game, so that probably won’t work) or bringing in a new guy at the last minute, like perhaps the shattered ghost of Jake Long. Either way, the Bears are pretty much screwed, but let’s face it, y’all this is a lost season and they’re trying to move on from Cutler anyway, so a shitty line causing a dead QB won’t make things much worse. Embrace the horror, I say. Hell, whoever had J’Marcus Webb playing for them has to have released him by now, right? I say we bring him back, and make Jon Fox play a fiddle the entire time the offense is on the field. If we’re not going to succeed at sport, let’s just turn this bullshit into art instead. Embrace the horror, embrace the doom.

apoc12“EXTERMINATE ALL THE BRUTES”

Bonus Offensive Line Haiku:

Will Montgomery

First new Bears center
In a long time not having
Much to live up to

Mat Slauson

Thick bearded Viking
Fights bikers across wasteland
This fall on Showtime

Jermon Bushrod

Gets paid hella cash
Nice work if you can get it
To just be okay

Kyle Long

Kyle, son of Howie
Please don’t move him to tackle
Madden isn’t real

Ex-Bear Ryan Groy

Groy Groy Groy Groy Groy
Groy Groy Groy Groy Groy Groy Groy
Groy Groy Groy Groy Groy

DEFENSIVE LINEMANS

jerat

Dudes That’s Still Here: Jeremiah Ratliff, Ego Ferguson, Will Sutton, Cornelius Washington
Dudes They Got Rid Of: Stephen Paea (Redskins), a bunch of defensive ends that are outside linebackers now in a 3-4 system.
New Dudes: Jarvis Jenkins (ex Redskin), Eddie Goldman (rookie)

25 Year Top 5: Richard Dent, Julius Peppers, Pre-Crisis Tommie Harris, Trace Armstrong, Chris Zorich

25 Year Bottom 5: John Thierry, Michael Haynes, Carl Simpson, Darwin Walker, Post-Crisis Tommie Harris

Best Cardboard I Own: 2005 Upper Deck Legends Legendary Signatures Richard Dent

Fantasy Bootleg: #90 UBERKLAW. Y’all should have been able to predict that one.

Preebok Ebay Jersey: Champion brand #90 Alonzo Spellman jersey. Can’t post a link because none are up right now, but I’ve seen one at a time when I was too broke to buy, so I know at least one of these exists. If I have to stick to ones that are easy to find, I’ll go with a #97 Chris Zorich.

Expert Analysis: The Bears have switched from a 4-3 standard, old-timey defense into the more modernized 3-4 styles that I think the Steelers have been using since the 70s. So everything is weird now, and I no longer know what the fuck I’m talking about in regard to the Bears’ defensive line scheme. And I am the only dude online writing about footballery who will admit such a thing, making it that much more of a shame that I’m not the Most Trusted Name in Sports and that Peter King isn’t blowing desperate hobos for sammich money behind a truck stop dumpster somewhere. But the hope coming into this year was that Jeremiah Ratliff would continue doing his best to make people remember when he was a star back in his past life as Dallas Cowboy Jay Ratliff, and eventually, he could swing out to defensive end, so rookie Eddie Goldman could be the guy there that they hope he’ll be for the next dozen years or so. But Ratliff is suspended for a few games for a DUI a thousand years ago (this is what happens when you sign ex Cowboys) and Goldman is hella-concussed, much like half the NFL, but to such an extent that it’s been publicly admitted as such. So as it stands right now, the official starting nose tackle is Terry Williams, who is literally not even expected to make the team once the preseason is over. Terrible. At defensive end, (which is a lot like defensive tackle used to be now) you’ve got Ego Ferguson, a rookie from last year who is kind of okayish, and Jarvis Jenkins, who I’m pretty sure one of the main fantasy football autist sites called the worst DE in football last year. Thing is, Jenkins has looked better than anyone else so far in the preseason, so it just goes to show you that you can’t trust a bunch of nerds behind computers, screaming about ethics in football journalism or whatever. So as of right now, the line looks like Jenkins, Ferguson, and Will Sutton at nose tackle, (because LOL fukk u Terry Williams) and it’s really hard to get excited about any of that, outside of maybe Ferguson. But again, 2015 is absolutely a lost season for the Bears, and the three guys up front aren’t going to make up for having a giant pile of ugly horror (but also Pernell McPhee, at least!) lining up behind them. Sometimes, we must embrace the horror, because the horror is all we have.

Freddy_Krueger

NEXT TIME: some other football guys!

qbs

Notable Dudes That Been Here and Still Here: Jay Cutler, Jimmy Clausen, David Fales

New Dude of Note: Shane Carden (Rookie from East Carolina)

25 Year Legacy Top 5: (EXPLANATION: 25 years is a nice, round number, and I’m pretty sure my football mind came  online enough to really know what was going on in like 1989, so starting the time-frame here in 1990 is damn near a perfect “lifetime” list, plus 1990 is another nice, round number. And who doesn’t like nice, round things? Anyway, here are the five best dudes according to me since 1990.)
Jay Cutler (2009-now), Erik Kramer (94-98), Kyle Orton (05-08), Jim Harbaugh (87-93), Jim Miller (99-02)

25 Year Anti-Legacy Bottom 5: (EXPLANATION: same as above, but bad.)
Henry Burris (2002), Jonathan Quinn (2004), Rick Mirer (1997), Caleb Hanie (09-11), Todd Collins (2010) – Really, I could have done a top 35 here if I wanted to suffer.

Best Football Card I Currently Own: (CLARIFICATION: Card can be of any player from history, but only if they’re depicted as a Bear. Even in anarchy, you gotta have rules.) 1992 Pro Line Profiles Autographs Jim Harbaugh

Fantasy Bootleg Jersey: (EXPLANATION : This is an idea blatantly stolen from Raven Mack, dating back to the Confederate Mack zine days, because anciently-scholastic is a good way through which things are often kicked. But if I had $35, plus whatever shipping from China would be, this is an NFL jersey I’d get from a shady-ass bootleg site, sticking mainly to ideas that wouldn’t be allowed by NFL.com on a real, legit, legalized jersey. This assumes I wouldn’t need the $35 for electricity or something, but work with me here.)
It would take some doing and perhaps some ingenuity and seamstressmanship, because even before the NFL started cracking down on bootleg jersey sites, none of them were SO bootleg that they’d let you have a three-digit number, but basically, this:

KVLTER

And since this is a fantasy we’re talking about, maybe have it in the way 90s store-bought jerseys were, where you’d have alternate black versions for teams that didn’t have black anywhere in their normal colors. (Y’all did know that’s navy blue and not black, right?) Hey hey, worship Satan everyday, kids.

Preebok Ebay Jersey: (EXPLANATION: Back in the day, before Roger Goodell ruined football with exclusive contracts for everything and said that only Reebok (and now only Nike) could make official stuff, (and starting next year, only Panini can make NFL trading cards, meaning more more Topps shits that go back to 1955, meaning I haven’t bought a pack of cards since 2013) more than one company could make NFL jerseys, meaning they literally cost about a third of what they’ll run you now. So the 1990s were a decade awash from sea to shining sea in replica jerseys, because they were only 35-50 bucks, depending on whether you got a fancy Starter jersey or a Logo Athletic one, where the numbers would disintegrate after one washing. Now, a fancy new Nike replica will run you something like $120-170, meaning that pro jerseys are the sole domain of uppity  white people who ruin the whole thing by exclusively getting jerseys of the white tight end or a white offensive lineman, because I guess getting the QB makes you a poser, and they don’t be reppin’ no thugs. Then, they ruin it further by tucking their jerseys in pants pulled up to their nipples to look like a goddamn giant toddler, huddled in the stupid “man caves” they had to build, because they married women they don’t even like. The funny part though, is that now thanks to the artificially-inflated prices of the real things, you can’t watch an NFL game without the official NFL cameras panning over a crowd full of obvious bootleg jerseys. But yeah, anyway, these are old replica jerseys of a bygone time that I’d buy off Ebay today if I had the money.)
My first choice here would be an old Erik Kramer jersey, but I actually still have one of those that would still be in good enough condition to wear if I hadn’t got it a size smaller than what would be ideal, followed by  gaining like 40 pounds in the 20 years since. Life is hard. Anyway, Tecmo Super Bowl III remains the greatest football video game of all time, so I’d complete the set on 1995 Tecmo Bear QBs and go with a Steve Walsh #4.

EXPERT ANALYSIS I CAME UP WITH JUST NOW:

jay-cutler

Jay Cutler is a weird thing to think about in an historical context. Because currently, as things stand right now and motherfucking today, he’s not good, and he never will be. He’s been a Bear since 2009 and an NFL starting QB since Bronco times in 2007, and we’re STILL asking whether or not this will finally be the year he “gets it” and delivers on the promise that rat-faced anus-mouthed slave-driver Mike Shanahan saw in him back in ’06. And it’s never gonna happen, you guys. He will never be completely horrible, but he’ll never get much (if any) better than he is right now. He’s an uncoachable, above-it-all prick that teammates just sort of have to endure, because he’s the quarterback. Like as soon as any Bear joins another team, even if it’s his Denver football brother Brandon Marshall, they’re like “hoo boy, lemme tell ya about THAT guy,” and sports writers get another solid two days of tabloidy headlines. And since him and his vapid, useless, reality show wife are anti-vaxxers, he’s not even allowed to attend family-type team functions anymore, because the other 52 players don’t want their shitty little kid spreading parvo to everybody.

And man, that’s a thing, right there. So a guy who’s supposed to be the default leader of the team pretty much got voted out of associating with the rest of the team, just because Jay and Kristen are a couple of dopes who can look a highly-trained medical specialist in the eye and say, “well, you raise some interesting arguments, but Jenny McCarthy was famous for having tig ol’ bitties back in 1993, so we’re gonna go with her ideas.” (And don’t even tell me that there’s some genuine medical concern and first-hand research going on with these two specific people, instead of the weird McCarthy celebrity-cult thing going on. It’s a lifetime-pampered football player and a professional game show contestant we’re (I’m) talking about. I doubt they even know how to use Google.) And while I can appreciate the courage of flaunting the tigness of one’s bitties back in a time when Hollywood was all about Callista Flockheart-styled 8 year old anorexic boy body types, it’s not grounds to consider her one of the leading minds of the new century, 20 years later. Of course, not that the situation there has gotten any better, where every review of a movie with her cousin Melissa McCarthy (where she can only get cast as a female Paul Blart stumble bum) has to mention what a “courageous performance” it was, because the movie industry literally considers it an act of bravery to leave the house weighing more than 130 pounds, and you can still probably find articles being written today referring to Scarlett “Scarjo” Johansson and Jennifer “J-Law” Lawrence as “big girls.” Which is bullshit, because they’re both skinny as hell in real life,  and double bullshit, because “Jay Law” and “Scar Joe” were the names of the two main characters in the post-apocalyptic cop buddy action story I’ve been working on since I was nine, and now, I have to start over. Once again, Hollywood crushes the dreams of a husky young  boy. But anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Jay Cutler is no good, and no one likes him.

Jay+Cutler+Kristin+Cavallari+Kristin+Cavallari+qvf_Lht7npwl“DON’T CAAAAAAARRE”

But the thing is? He’s the best quarterback that the Bears have had in over half a century.  Think about it. The last time the Chicago Football Bears had a full-fledged, sure thing, franchise quarterback was Sid Luckman, and he retired in 1950 and hasn’t been the opening-day starter since 1948. Think about how long ago that was, y’all. Neither of my parents were born yet, and as of last month, I round up to forty. Sid Luckman was born in 1916. That was during World War I.  If he were alive today, he wouldn’t be alive, because he’d have to be a fucking vampire. The last Bear QB to make the Pro Bowl was Jim McMahon 30 years ago, (and he was really just an average QB on a team carried by Walter Payton and the 46 Defense, and who was hurt more than he was healthy) and the last one before him was Billy Wade in 1963. With an occasional blip here and there, like McMahon’s Pro Bowl year in ’85 and Erik Kramer’s completely magical ’95 season, the years between Luckman and Cutler have been a dark, depressing parade of scumbum garbagefuckers who have not done much more than hammer home the point that the Bears are one 1986 Super Bowl win shy of being lumped in with assholes like the Cleveland Browns for long-term hopelessnes. Jay Cutler is the best Bear QB of my lifetime, and hell, he could be the best I’ll ever see by the time I die. (preferably in a huge fireball, because I’d want to die quick and fireballs are awesome to look at) So we will endure another year or two of Smokin’ Cat Jay Shit Ogre Cutler, and know full well that whoever is up next will probably be way, way worse.

jimmy-clausen-josh-bynes-38ca8c88e2f022be

As for Jay’s backup, you got weird-lookin’ Jimmy Claussen. Fuck Jimmy Claussen. All he’s ever been good for is making Mel Kiper look bad. But I guess you could do somewhat worse for a backup. Behind him are rookie Shane Carden and David Fales, who’s a one year removed from being a rookie himself. Hopefully, Cutler and Claussen stay healthy enough that neither guy ends up mattering. But there’s no way the Bears keep four QBs on the roster, so one of them has to go by the time the Bears get down to the 53-man limit. So I’m guessing Fales is out, because he was the old coaching staff’s guy. Also, his name sounds like “fails,” and jon Fox’s new coaching staff might be like me and fear a world where Cutler and Claussen go down, and this leads to a bunch of stupid “Epic Fales” headlines on shitty sports blogs. And in a Shane Carden world, I wouldn’t have to listen to anyone groping  around in the darkness for a “Carden-gan Sweater” pun or some shit like that, because I haven’t had cable TV in a long time, meaning that in my world, Chris Berman died in 2003.

NEXT TIME: Eh, who knows.

HEY GUYS…Preview preview preview preview. Preview.

Hi. Welcome to this thing right here. My name isn’t important, but I also don’t want you people knowing it, because you’ll end up stealing my credit card or whatever. If you’re here, I’m guessing you’re either my wife, my mom, a Brazilian search engine optimizing robot, or someone looking for Google-searched images that got tricked into coming here because I inserted the words “naked boobs One Direction torrent Nikki Bella download zombie butts Bieber nipple incest Kardashian” just now and fucked up your search results. Hi, though. While you’re here, you might as well stick around fur a minute and read some words about stuff. I am a nice fellow, and it gets lonely here sometimes. So very lonely.

healthy_snacksIf it helps, I can get some nutritious snacks for us.

But if you’re still here, you should know about me, and you should know about my sickness. I occasionally watch the American Football, as perpetrated by the National Football League, which is terrible, and when I do, I watch the Chicago Bears, which is somehow even worse. And on occasion, I will write a thing or two about them, which should be bad, but all things considered, is probably necessary. Because the world of football OPINIONZ 4 U on the World Wide Web is a terrible place, and it’s only getting worse, because the Internets themselves are getting worse.

giphy

Instead of the utopian vision of the late 90s, where this thing would expose us all to a whole new world of new voices and newer and more exciting OPINIONZ, it’s instead closed smooth the fuck down to just a few big time, big money blog portals and news feed aggregator shits, all saying the same things and serving the same masters. Never piss off the sponsors, and A.B.C. – Always Be Contentin’. Keep a steady stream of crap flowing, even if it is truly crap, and the internet world is one of “there’s no new info, so just throw up a ‘Twitter Reacts to _______’ article, because #CONTENT.” There was this one site called Kissing Suzy Kolber, and it was pretty much the best paid and professionalized football site around, until they said the wrong things about Bud Light, the parent company took it down, and all the main dudes peaced out. Now, it’s still there, but it’s seemingly back sliding into more of a generic “Epic Twitter Reactions to Who John Oliver Force-fed Broken Glass This Time, and You’ll Be AMAZED by the Results!” clickbaity bullshit zombie shadow of its former self. Sacrificed at the altar of Almighty Content, just like that fake fetus that those two fake Jesus freaks fake miscarried for their fake YouTube bullshit the other day. And that’s how you know there’s no God right there, because no one was consumed in a fireball of unknown origin as soon as they hit Twitter to brag about how many page views their totally not made-up dead child got. Or just fire-consumed whoever came up with the term “vlog” in the first place. Fuckin’ internet, man. Hail Satan forever. But what was I talking about? Oh yeah.

aclb1

There was another website bloggity thing that existed for a few years, but you didn’t know about it. It was called Armchair Linebacker, and it was pretty much the NFL OPINIONZ site that the world needed, but neither wanted nor deserved. A bunch of dudes who rooted for different (mostly bad) teams came together to share the pain of NFL addiction, resulting in things like the advent of Pro Football Metaphysics, the true story of Donovan McNabb offering a young fan some special sausage, and earliest written records of the tales of The Great Willie Young. It was wild and free and you never knew when a serious analysis of a team’s third string H-back might veer off into a frank discussion of how primal psychic energies might be affected by codeine cough syrup or some such shit. It was NFL fandom of the most noble and horrible kind, where the normal AM sports talk radio/Pro Football Talk bullshit, all the yelling of team-trademarked slogans in a non-mocking manner, all the “this year is gonna be our year,” all the “(white wide receiver that has no chance of making the team because his only discernible trait is his whiteness) is a BEAST,” that kinda bullshit, was mostly sloughed away, and we tried real hard to avoid dry-ass EXPERT SERIOUS ANALYSIS~! of minute details that are ultimately meaningless, although admittedly, I kinda failed on that point quite a bit. But in the place of the usual crap was a huge ball of horror, a giant, twisted, cancerous mass of sadness that is the result of people having their hearts and guts forcibly ripped from their souls by the modern NFL and a handful of its most hopeless teams. (Well, except that one Patriots guy, who I’m pretty sure didn’t even like football, and was just throwing up dry-ass, quarter-by-quarter breakdowns of games, until the adults ran him off. Apparently, he’s like a modestly big deal in the hip hop internet OPINIONZ 4 U scene now, which, judging by that guy alone, must be in even worse shape than the football side of things. One.) And it was mostly Raven and Neil being awesome (Which can continue to happen, for the low, low price of only $4.20. Seriously, you guys, it is a damn thing, and you’d just spend that money on bullshit anyway.) while a bunch of us stood in the background and grinned real big, but it was a helluva ride. I’m pretty sure I meant to do some big eulogy for the site here, but never got around to it, and probably had more than this to say at the time, but hell, it’s been over three years. There are people alive today that weren’t even born yet in 2012.

ap-bears-lions-football-4_3_r536_c534It was a simpler time; and a time of Jason Campbell.

But anyway, it is in the Armchair Linebacker spirit of oddly hopeful blistering negativity that football is probably gonna take over here for a minute, at least until the Bears finally crush my spirit, which I’m guessing will be around the fifth Green Bay touchdown in week one. And it’s like, yeah, I know football played in the American Corporate Style is bullshit, and it’s bad for you. I know the NFL is a shady, brutal, ruthless purveyor of a blood-soaked death-sport, and the Chicago Bears merely one of its hateful tentacles. It’s a game where destitute twenty-year-olds achieve their dreams of being thirty year old millionaires, only to become addle-brained, penniless cripples by forty, and rarely seem to make it to fifty. And I know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s all just a big waste of time. But goddammit, I need this, and we all do, or at least something like it. Because the world is a horrible place, and it’s not getting any better, and we need silly crap like football or video games or Judge Dredd comics or going on social media to tell people that Voivod records are good and that you should buy them. Without distractions like football, I’d take a look at the world we live in, and I’d try to make a meaningful change, but the problem is that the only way to make any change that would actually change anything would be to rise the fuck up and storm the seats of power – not the government, but the mansions, corporate boardrooms, and exclusive, high-priced Southeast Asian child sex dungeons where the REAL shit goes down, and where governments get their marching orders – to storm them sumbitches with anger and furious violence, and put them and their children under the blade, so that all of us street people could just have jobs and be chill. But the thing is, I don’t like hurting people, even bad people, and even if I did like hurting folks, I’d probably suck at it. Not to mention that most people are convinced that the problems come from single moms and poor immigrants or whatever, so I’d probably be the only one rising up to storm shit and cut people, and it would end in hilarious tragedy. There would be a little blurb in the “Weird World” section of the newspapers no one reads, that would be something like “Insane Oklahoma man killed by savage attack dogs today while prowling the grounds of David Koch’s stately pleasure dome, wielding a rusty bayonet attached to a mop handle, and yelling something unintelligible about future former Chicago Bear, Willie Young.” Hell, I’d probably end up being made an honorary Florida Man. And so on it goes, that we will continue wandering the cursed, smoldering Earth as mindless, hopeless cogs in a Reaganomically-devastated economy, and we will spend our lives as listless schlubs taking orders from egomaniacal failures, and we’ll never be able to retire, because no one can afford that anymore, and we’ll work and work and work until we get old, until our bodies break down and just finally reject themselves completely. And when that happens, blood will spray from our eyes and our bowels, and we’ll scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and die, and there is no escape. So with that in mind?

Chicago's Matt Forte celebrates a touchdown run against the Cincinnati Bengals at Soldier Field on September 8, 2013 in Chicago, Illinois. The Bears defeated the Bengals 24-21. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)FUUUUUUUCK YEEEEAAAAAAH, FOOOOTBAWWWWWWWWWWW

Anyway, the preseason just started like 15 minutes ago, and I still gotta make dinner. The 2015 Bears season preview, broken up by positions and whatnot, should start dropping soon. Let’s make 2015 a great season, you guys!

BEARS

"Oh hi, just looking for the real killers."

You might not believe this, but there was a time when the world at large actually liked O.J. Simpson. He could run the shit out of a football, he was competent as an NBC sideline reporter, he could sell the shit out of some Dingo Boots and Hertz Rent-a-Cars, and it was really funny to watch him be repeatedly crushed and destroyed as Nordberg 2.0 in the Naked Gun movies. He was such a genuinely likeable guy that it came as somewhat of a shock when they started telling us that he had (allegedly) butchered his ex-wife and some dude that she was (allegedly) totally not boning down with on the regular. In our lifetimes, we had all seen a few high-profile murders and had definitely seen the shit out of some celebrity scandals. This was, after all, at a time when the dust still hadn’t settled from the Menendez brothers trial or various and sundry scandals involving just about anyone who regularly spoke about Jesus on the TV, and after all, Bill Clinton was still the president. But a high-profile scandal involving a murder where a celebrity had (allegedly) done the murdering? Whole new ballgame. No one gave a shit about Lyle Menendez or Ted Kaczynski before they started shotgunning and exploding people, and the things Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, President Clinton, and Rob Lowe were sticking inside women were decidedly less unpleasant than butcher knives. Things were about to get crazy-go-nuts, and from the initial questioning and low-speed white Bronco chase to the ill-fitting glove and the civil trial that followed all this mess, the O.J. trial was inescapable. It was everywhere, on every television channel, radio station, and printed page, until the whole thing finally came to a roundabout finale when Simpson finally went to jail for trying to rob a dude just a couple years ago. And really, at this point, no one but O.J. himself seems to think he didn’t do it, and hell, he even basically wrote a whole book (allegedly) fictionally confessing to the crime. So there’s no point in arguing whether or not O.J. killed his wife and that other guy. The point I’m trying to make is that in the act of getting all stabby, he accidentally turned us all into a nation of monsters. How, might you ask?

(more…)

trophyAn excruciating look back at what went wrong, once again in award show format. Read it all at Armchair Linebacker.

Brandon-Meriweather-and-his-hatSqueaking in right under the 100 Days of Something deadline. HA! Anyway, read it all here.

George McCaskeyI just typed up what might have been the most hateful, profanity-laced thing I’ve ever placed on the internet, and you can read it all at Armchair Linebacker. Please forgive me, even though I will never forgive Mike Martz.