Tagged: celebrity death

HYPERCOLORLadies and gentlemen, the 1990s.

 First of all, just let me say this: There is too much goddamn 1980s nostalgia out there. Oh yeah, it was a pretty big decade, ten years long in fact, and a lot of memorable stuff happened. But there were other decades too, you know? So I’m going to make a few posts now and in the future here about the decade that everyone seems to not remember: The 1990s. Aside from a couple things here and there, like Monica Lewinsky or the golden age of gangsta rap, the whole decade seems to have either been forgotten or mixed up with the two surrounding ten-year periods. People always seem to forget that the pastel-colored, pre-grunge period of Vanilla Ice and slap bracelets wasn’t part of the 1980s, that the Internet was a thing that people started to actually have somewhere around 1995, and that the pseudo-goth nu-metal phase everyone went through started a lot closer to 1997 than to 2003.

fucking Hypercolor, how does it work?Believe it or not, also the 1990s.

And really, when people somewhere around my age throw around how they were “a child of the 80s,” they don’t realize what that means: You were a CHILD of the 80s, meaning you probably barely remember anything that actually happened as it actually happened, aside from what DVDs you bought and websites you read when you were 25 or older told you about the time. We were children of the 80s, but we grew up in the 90s. Big difference. You knew and loved G.I. Joe, but you weren’t quoting episodes or keeping track of the variants in Bazooka’s lower leg plastic or whatever until you became a 20-something dork. Your brain comes online somewhere around the age of five or so, yeah, but there’s another good four or five years before it really kicks in and your memories start to have any real substance beyond “oh man, what were those toys where the truck turned into this thing with missiles? Those were awesome.” I think what I’m saying here is that us 20-30 somethings are way too enamored with being part of the 1980s to admit that the 1990s were really what made us into the terrible people that we are. And I may be a terrible person, but I know where I came from, and these are a few of my memories. Let me show you them.

Part One: I REMEMBER THE COMEDY CHANNEL

comedy channel logoA world of Comedy Under One Roof.

 

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Heyyyyy everybody!

"We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles!"

Hi. Welcome. Hello. How’s it going? Good? Oh. Sorry to hear that. Anyway, this is TERRIBLE VIOLENCE, the future of the past of websites. It’s weird to be typing things to you, the internet, on an empty website with basically nothing on it yet, but it wasn’t always this way. Before there was TERRIBLE VIOLENCE, (and I don’t know why I keep typing it in all caps, but it just seems right to me, for some reason.) there was Web Surf Nicaragua, a huge waste of time where I dumped the things that were in my brain from 1998 to a month or so ago, until my old web host got all stupid on me. The whole story on what went down there is still up at the old Blogspot site, so I won’t bother going over it again,  except to say that I no longer owe ChamberGates any money, so I no longer feel like not being a dick to them, and I’d just like to reiterate that their whole way of handling credit/debit cards is dangerously ghetto as hell, and you shouldn’t use them. And hell, now that I think about it, their rigged-ass system cost me something like $30 in late fees that wouldn’t have existed if their system had accepted my card (that worked everywhere else I used it) or if they had waited less than a month to tell me that it didn’t go through. But this is becoming an exercise in telling you things that you don’t care about, so I’ll shut up about it.

Anyway, since I really haven’t yet made the existence of the new site known to most of the eight or nine people who were into WSN, and since I haven’t yet started trickling the old material over here, if you’re reading this, you’re probably new people, at least to me. So just for the record,  if there actually was anything here yet, it would probably be all over the place and not really follow any coherent theme. Past topics covered have ranged from dinosaurs to Robocop to how much I hate jazz and love Judas Priest to the terrible fate of the Chicago Bears. Light on the football lately, though, because that all goes on someone else’s site when I do that. But yeah. It’s a website of things I enjoy, and a website of things I could do without. Either way, it’s a website of things, and they rarely have anything to do with each other. Makes sense to me, at least.

So anyway, really quick, what’s happened since I last left you people?

  • Macho Man Randy Savage died. If it didn’t suck enough that another wrestler/chunk of my childhood was gone, it sucked that much more that the dude got struck down at a point where he was turning into one of the very, very few giant huge megastars of the steroids ‘n cocaine era of big time wrasslin’ to actually make it out okay, without being a sad, broken old man who just couldn’t give it up, like the Ric Flairs, Ultimate Warriors, and Hulk Hogans of the world. Bummer. Snappin’ mad Slim Jims for my dead homies.
  • Oprah Winfrey retired from her TV show, which was somehow considered a really big deal. Like I guess no one knows how to go on with their life now that they have to settle for an entire magazine and entire cable network dedicated to her. Like for real, I’m sure Oprah is a wonderful person who’s probably done some wonderful things for some wonderful people, but if I’m expected to shed the big tears because my Oprah access has been cut to only about 160 hours a week, seriously, fuck her. Fuck her to hell. Anyway, I think the only Oprah memory I have is from the 1990s at some point, when the dude who owned a bar back in one of my old hometowns got dragged out there so that the mom of a girl who got drunk-driven to death after a legal-aged dude bought her a bunch of drinks there could confront him, and that whole kind of deal. It was kind of amazing, because if you watched the show and didn’t know better, the guy who ran the place was a monster who sold alcohol to kids and the mom was a grieving mother who wanted justice. But with my mom close enough to the situation to actually know the people involved, the “mom” on the show was really only a mother in the biological sense, who didn’t raise and barely knew the girl involved, and was just there to look good for the lawsuit, which was apparently already in motion before the body was even cold. Never would have known any of that by watching the Oprah-ized version of the story, though. Magic of television, I suppose.
  • On a related note, my new thrash metal album, Fuck You to Hell, is set to be released on Megaforce Records like any day now.
  • One of the guys from Jackass who wasn’t Johnny Knoxville or Steve-O croaked himself (and a passenger) with a fast car and a bunch of liquor. The real tragedy of the story, though, was the way that the internet in general absolutely freaked out in some sort of insane grief-storm over this happening, as though he had been some sort of super-important voice of a generation and a leader of Real Change We Can Believe In, and not just some guy who shoved things up his ass to make junior high  kids giggle. I know, it’s a tragedy and all, but god damn, we are so doomed as a species.
  • OHHHHHHHHH GODDDD I WANT MY FOOOTBALLLL STUPID COLLECTIVE BARGAINING AGREEMENTS NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • English royalty types got married, and for a couple of weeks, it was the absolute biggest news story to end all news stories on Earth, despite the fact that no one actually cared. When I think about how much time, money, and real estate gets dedicated to something as pointless as a powerless, ceremonial monarchy that pretty much doesn’t actually do anything, it makes me wonder if that stereotypical PBS image of British people as being really sophisticated, proper, stiff people is all a sham and that if they’re not all just batshit insane underneath it all. I mean, you’d think that if they had any sense, they would have all grabbed some ass-whoopin’ sticks, jumped in some cars, and beaten all of those people half to death and tossed them out in the projects by now. (They do have projects over there, right? Also, at some point, someone needs to yell “ACE OF SPADES” while all of this is happening. I know that’s what I would yell.) Just to put this in perspective, it would be a lot like Americans putting a few tens of millions aside each year in the federal budget to keep the Kardashians in a literal castle and put Bruce Jenner’s rigor mortis face on all the currency. So at least the U.S. isn’t the only Land of the Doomed out there, I suppose.

That’s all that comes to mind as far as the world in general, or at least the parts that I remembered and/or had a semi-coherent thought about. As for my own local world, me and Sarah (For the uninitiated, my special lady sweetheart who must struggle against my increasingly apparent brain damage) are in the middle of a big move, I start a new job in a few weeks, and all of a sudden I’ve found myself with hella dogs surrounding me. I could go further into all that, but this is already too long and I don’t want to waste it all on super-condensed versions, when the more fully fleshed-out tales can be told later. But for a teaser, I electrocuted myself with a fish tank tonight, and have been having to bind my dog’s penis up in an Ace bandage lately. I’ll leave you with whatever twisted version of that image that your mind’s eye can come up with and say bye for now. So, bye for now.