Java“The humans, they have things. Many things. And they are all for eating. And they are all for me.

CON SALSALike these unopened cans of cat food. I will eat them.

spaghettiAnd this plate of spaghetti. I will eat it as well.

fancyAnd these delicious shoes.

it's an original karl farbmanAnd this furniture.

ALLL I HAD I GAAAAVVVEEEEAnd this crowbar.

Snow leopardsAnd these leopards.

They were all brought to this place by these humans, specifically so I can devour them. This is why I have not yet eaten the humans. Not yet.”

George McCaskeyI just typed up what might have been the most hateful, profanity-laced thing I’ve ever placed on the internet, and you can read it all at Armchair Linebacker. Please forgive me, even though I will never forgive Mike Martz.

Hello. Yes. This... Is dog.“This house has stood for over fifty years, they tell me. And certainly, the front yard has been here for much longer than that. And I know. I know deep down in my soul that at some point in the last fifty years, there has been another dog in this yard. And if I can only just sniff this one three square-inch section of it for another seventeen minutes… I will find him.”

I AM THE TABLEI could have just posted this picture and called it good, but I’m on this whole new “effort” kick.

 So, as you might have guess from the blackness of the page you’re looking at, the repeated mentions of Satan, and the Motörhead font that I forgot to use lowercase letters with for the site logo, I’m really into the heavy metal. Or at least I was, until they kept changing what heavy metal was, and it kept getting shittier and shittier, but that’s a whole ‘nother post that I’ll probably never do entirely. But anyway, back when what was new and relevant was still a thing I gave a crap or two about, there would occasionally be these moments. These horrifying moments in time when you knew that a band you loved (or at least tolerated) had really screwed the pooch, and either they had dug a hole too deep to ever emerge from, or by the time people forgave them, it would be too late. Here are some of those moments. Those times When Heavy Metal Goes Wrong. (more…)

So, here we are, just a few minutes into the new year, and if you’re reading this, I can only assume you’re one of maybe five or six people, because lately, that’s about all that ever comes here. Sure, I can blame that on the fact that ChamberGates blew up my old website and I had to start over with this one, but the truth is, it was down to about that many for most of the last couple years anyway.  So how did this happen, when I at least had hundreds of folks coming here at late as ’05 or so? Easy. Even though I actually pay actual money for this stuff,  never actually do anything with it. Seriously. The big Terrible Violence “launch,” for lack of a better term was in July. And there have only been seven posts since then. Seven. And in the wake of football season, have I been devoting my efforts to representing the Chicago Bears over at Armchair Linebacker instead? Nope. Six posts in that time. So there I was, all thinking, “oh hey, a new website and a new beginning or whatever,” just knew I was going to retake the internet by storm, just like I somehow convinced myself I had done around 2001 or so, and in the end, all I did was discover that the biggest lying scoundrel in my life was the internet version of me. But friends, (or just friend, in case the other five people have quit coming here by now…) that is all about to change. For today, I am launching the Terrible Violence Dot Com ONE HUNDRED DAYS OF SOMETHING Initiative. (more…)

(For the full joke, just imagine this with a big rasta-colored lightning bolt hitting it)

 So, several months later than originally planned, in a new town, in a new (well, new to me) house, and with a new job, (with the same company) I make my triumphant return to an Internet that probably forgot I existed somewhere around mid-2001. In future times, I’ll actually make substantial updates to this site again, with a bunch of ideas that popped into my head at various times when I was either too busy moving or too disconnected from the internet to act on any of them, and eventually, I’ll make a complete return to normalcy, where I completely ignore this site I pay actual money that I need for and just talk about how much I hate Mike Martz on Armchair Linebacker. But for now, I’ll give you a quick rundown (or one that was intended to be quick until I actually started typing) of some of the ins, outs, and arounds of the first new job I’ve had since late 2003.

(more…)

Still have pets, though.

I can post this now, because I finally waded through enough old emails and remembered a bunch of stupid things I had done, so I have a working password for both HostGator and WordPress again. So. Fully established in Sulphur, still not unpacked, still no internet or cable, (I should be able to actually afford cable now, whoa) but the new job is fully underway. I get paid Thursday, breaking about a month and a half of apocalyptic brokeness, so things will finally achieve some level of electronic normalcy soon. In the meantime, you can keep yourself busy with this thing I did for Armchair Linebacker a couple days ago. Got my fancy new website and still just write for someone else’s free one. Life is strange. It’s not the only one I’ve done via a combination of text files and USB drives in wired computers, but it’s the only one that was any good.
Anyway, until next time, stay outta jail.